BojackHorsemanS5E6Scripts

SoIstoppedataJackintheBoxonthewayhere,andthegirlbehindthecountersaid,“Hiya!Areyouhavinganawesomeday?”Not,“Howareyoudoingtoday?”No.“Areyouhavinganawesomeday?”Whichispretty…shitty,becauseitputstheonusonmetodisagreewithher,likeifI’mnothavingan“awesomeday,”suddenlyI’mthenegativeone.UsuallywhenpeopleaskhowI’mdoing,therealanswerisI’mdoingshitty,butIcan’tsayI’mdoingshittybecauseIdon’tevenhaveagoodreasontobedoingshitty.SoifIsay,“I’mdoingshitty,”thentheysay,“Why?What’swrong?”AndIhavetobelike,“Idon’tknow,allofit?”Soinstead,whenpeopleaskhowI’mdoing,Iusuallysay,“Iamdoingsogreat.”ButwhenthisgirlattheJackintheBoxaskedmeifIwashavinganawesomeday,Ithought,“Well,todayI’mactuallyallowedtofeelshitty.”TodayIhaveagoodreason,soIsaidtoher,“Well,mymomdied,”andsheimmediatelyburstintotears.SonowIhavetocomforther,whichisannoying,andmeanwhile,there’salineofpeopleformingbehindmewhoareallgivingmetheserealjudgylooksbecauseImadetheJackintheBoxgirlcry.Andshe’sbawling,andshe’ssaying,“I’msorry,I’msosorry,”andI’mlike,“It’sfine.It’sfine.”Imean,it’snotfinebut,youknow,it’s…fine.AndIwouldliketoorderaDoubleJackMeal,andI’vekindagotsomewheretobe,somaybelesswiththecryingandmorewiththefrying,huh?[inhales]Andthegirlapologizesagainandsheoffersmeafreechurrowithmymeal.AndasI’mleaving,Ithink,“Ijustgotafreechurrobecausemymomdied.”Nooneevertellsyouthatwhenyourmomdies,yougetafreechurro.[peoplemurmuring][clearsthroat]Anyway,I’msorry,that’snotpartofthe…[clearsthroat]Allright.Okay,herewego.Let’sdothis.HereIam,BoJackHorseman,doingaeulogy,let’sgo.Hey,pianoman,canIgeta,likeanorganflourish?[organplays]Nicelydone.Youknow,IwasalittleworriedIwouldn’thavetherightaccompanimenttoday.Iguessit’sagoodthingmymomwasanorgandonor![rimshotplays]Whathappenedtotheorgan?[horn‘oogahs’]Okay,whyjustleavethecomedytotheprofessionals?Okay?Thisisafuneral,sir,formymother.Canyoushowalittlerespect?[trumpetwhines]I’lltakeit.BeatriceHorseman,whowasshe?Whatwasherdeal?Well,shewasahorse.Uh,shewasbornin1938.Shediedin2018.Onetime,shewenttoaparade,andonetime,shesmokedanentirecigaretteinonelonginhale.Iwatchedherdoit.Trulyaremarkablewoman.[rustling]Livedafulllife,thatlady.Just,allthewaytotheend,whichis,uh,nowIguess.Reallymakesyouthink,though,huh?Life,right?Goesby,stuffhappens.Thenyoudie.Okay,wellthat’smytime,you’vebeengreat!Tipyourwaitress!No,I’mjustkiddingaround,there’snowaitress.Butseriously,that’sallIhavetosayaboutmymother.Nopointbeatingadeadhorse,right?So…[inhales]Nowwhat?Idon’tknow.Mom,yougotanyideas?Anything?Mom?No?Nothingtocontribute?Knockonceifyou’reproudofme.CanIjustsayhowamazingitistobeinaroomwithmymother,andIcanjusttalkandtalkwithouthertellingmetoshutupandmakeheradrink?Hey,Mom,knockonceifyouthinkIshouldshutup.No?Yousure?Imean,Idon’twanttoembarrassyoubymakingthiseulogyintoame-logy,so,seriously,ifyouwantedmetositdownandletsomeoneelsetalk,justknock.Iwillnotbeoffended.No?Yourfuneral.Sorryabouttheclosedcasket,bytheway.Shewantedanopencasket,butuh,youknow,she’sdeadnow,sowhocareswhatshewanted?No,thatsoundsbad.I’msorry.I-Ithinkthatifshecould’veseenwhatshelookedlikedead,she’dagreeit’sbetterthisway.Shelookedlikethis.[groaning][mournersgasping]Kindalikeapissed-offtoydinosaur.Thecoronercouldn’tgethereyesclosed,sonowherfaceisforeverfrozeninamaskoftremendoushorrorandanguish.Orasmymomcalledit,Tuesday!Tuesday!MymomcalleditTuesday.[womancoughs]Hey,Mom,whatdidyouthinkofthatjoke?Youlikethat?Youneverdidcareformycomedy.[clearsthroat]Here’sastory.WhenIwasateenager,Iperformedacomedyroutineformyhighschooltalentshow.Therewasthis,uh,cooljacketthatIwantedtowearbecauseIthoughtitwouldmakemelooklikeAlbertBrooks.Formonths,Isavedupforthisjacket.ButwhenIfinallyhadenough,Iwenttothestoreanditwasgone.Theyhadjustsoldittosomeoneelse.So,IwenthomeandItoldmymother,andshesaid,“Letthatbealesson.That’sthegoodthatcomesfromwantingthings.”Shewasreallygoodatdispensinglifelessonsthatalwaysseemedtocirclebacktoeverythingbeingmyfault.Butthen,onthedayofthetalentshow,mymotherhadasurpriseforme.Shehadboughtmethejacket.Eventhoughshedidn’tknowhowtosayit,Iknowthismeantthatshelovedme.Nowthat’sagoodstoryaboutmymother.It’snottrue,butit’sagoodstory,right?IstoleitfromanepisodeofMaudeIsawwhenIwasakid,whereshetalksaboutherfather.IrememberwhenIsawit,thinking,“That’sthekindofstoryIwanttotellaboutmyparentswhentheydie.”ButIdon’thaveanystorieslikethat.AllIknowaboutbeinggood,IlearnedfromTV.AndinTV,flawedcharactersareconstantlyshowingpeopletheycarewiththesesurprisinggrandgestures.AndIthinkthatpartofmestillbelievesthat’swhatloveis.Butinreallife,thebiggestureisn’tenough.Youneedtobeconsistent,youneedtobedependablygood.Youcan’tjustscreweverythingupandthentakeaboatoutintotheoceantosaveyourbestfriend,orsolveamystery,andflytoKansas.Youneedtodoiteveryday,whichisso…hard.Whenyou’reakid,youconvinceyourselfthatmaybethegrandgesturecouldbeenough,thateventhoughyourparentsaren’twhatyouneedthemtobeoverandoverandoveragain,atanymoment,theymightsurpriseyouwithsomething…wonderful.Ikeptwaitingforthat,theproofthateventhoughmymotherwasahardwoman,deepdown,shelovedmeandcaredaboutmeandwantedmetoknowthatImadeherlifealittlebitbrighter.Evennow,Ifindmyselfwaiting.Hey,Mom,knockonceifyoulovemeandcareaboutmeandwantmetoknowImadeyourlifealittlebitbrighter.[owlchirping]Mymotherdidnotgogentleintothatgoodnight.Shewentclawingandfightingandthrashing,hencetheface.[groaning][mournersgasping]Ifyou’dseenher,IsweartoGodtheonlythingyou’dbethinkingaboutrightnowisthatIamnailingthisimpression.[womanclearsherthroat][chairssqueak]Iwasinthehospitalwithherthoselastmoments,andtheyweretrulyhorrifying,fullofnonsencialscreamsandcries,buttherewasthismoment,thisoneinstantofstrangecalm,whereshelookedinmydirectionandsaid,“Iseeyou.”That’sthelastthingshesaidtome.“Iseeyou.”Notastatementofjudgmentordisappointment,justacceptanceandthesimplerecognitionofanotherpersoninaroom.“Hellothere.Youareaperson.AndIseeyou.”Letmetellyou,it’saweirdthingtofeelat54yearsold,thatforthefirsttimeinyourlifeyourmotherseesyou.It’sanoddrealizationthatthat’sthethingyou’vebeenmissing,theonlythingyouwantedallalong,tobeseen.Anditdoesn’tfeellikearelief,tofinallybeseen.Itfeelsmean,like,“Oh,itturnsoutthatyouknewwhatIwanted,andyouwaiteduntiltheverylastmomenttogiveittome.”Iwaspreparedformorecruelty.IwassurethatshewouldgetinonefinalzingerabouthowIletherdown,andabouthowIwasfatandstupidandtootalltobeaneffectiveLindy-hopper.HowIwasneedyandaburdenandanembarrassment—allthatIwasreadyfor.Iwasnotreadyfor“Iseeyou.”Onlymymotherwouldbelousyenoughtoswipemewithamomentofconnectiononherwayout.ButmaybeI’mgivinghertoomuchcredit.Maybeitwasn’taboutconnection.Maybeitwasa…maybeitwasan“Iseeyou,”like,uh,“Iseeyou.”Like,“Youmighthavetherestoftheworldfooled,butIknowexactlywhoyouare.”That’smoremymom’sspeed.Ormaybeshejustliterallymeant“Iseeyou.Youareanobjectthathasenteredmyfieldofvision.”Shewasprettyoutofitattheend,somaybeit’sdumbtotrytoattributeittoanything.[womansighs]Backinthe90s,IwasinaveryfamousTVshowcalledHorsin’Around.[mancoughs]Pleaseholdyourapplause.AndIrememberonetime,afanaskedme,“Hey,um,youknowthatepisodewherethehorsehastogiveEthanapeptalkafterEthanfindsouthiscrushonlyaskedhimtothedancebecauseherfriendswerehavingadorkiestdatecontest?Inalltheshotsofthehorse,youcanseeapapercoffeecuponthekitchencounter,butintheshotsofEthan,thecoffeecup’smissing.Wasthatbecausetheshowwasmakingastatementaboutthefluctuantsubjectivityofmemoryandhoweventwopeoplecanexperiencethesamemomentinentirelydifferentways?”AndIdidn’thavethehearttobe,like,“No,man,somecrewguyjustlefttheircoffeecupintheshot.”Soinstead,Iwas,like…“Yeah.”Andmaybethisislikethatcoffeecup.Maybewe’redumbtotrytopinsignificanceontoeverylittlething.Maybewhensomeonesays,“Iseeyou,”itjustmeans,“Iseeyou.”Thenagain,it’spossibleshewasn’teventalkingtomebecause,ifI’mbeinghonest,shewasn’treallylookingatme.Shewaslookingjustpastme.Therewasnobodyelseintheroom,soIwanttothinkshewastalkingtome,but,honestly,shewassofargoneatthatpoint,whoknowswhatshewasseeing?Whowereyoutalkingto,Mom?[sighs]Notsaying,huh?Stayingmum?Norimshotthere?God,whateverI’mpayingyou,it’stoomuch.Maybeshesawmydad.Mydaddiedabouttenyearsagoofinjurieshesustainedduringaduel.Whenyourfatherdies,youaskyourselfalotofquestions.Questionslike,“Wait,didyousayhediedinaduel?”and“Whodiesinaduel?”Thewholethingwassostupid.Dadspenthisentirelifewritingthisbook,buthecouldn’tgetanystorestocarryitoranynewspaperstoreviewit.Finally,Iguessthisonenewspaperthoughthewasprettyhilarious,becausetheyranareviewandtorehimtoshreds.Somyfather,evertheproudMary,decidedhewouldnotstandforthisbesmirchmentofhishonor.Heclaimedthecriticdidn’tunderstandwhatitmeanttobeaman,sohedemandedsatisfactionintheformofpistolsatdawn.Hewrotethepaperthisletter,sayinganyonewhodidn’tlikehisbook,hewouldchallengetoaduel,anyoneintheworld.He’devenpayforairfaretoSanFranciscoandanightinahotel.Well,eventuallythisfounditswaytosomekookinMontana,whowasasbatshitashewasandtookhimupontheoffer.TheymetatGoldenGateParkandagreed:tenpaces,thenshoot.Butinthemiddleofthetenpaces,Dadturnedtoasktheguyifhe’dactuallyreadthebookandwhathethought,but,notlookingwherehewasgoing,trippedoveranexposedrootandbashedhisheadonarock.[murmur]IwishI’dknowntogotoJackintheBoxthen.MaybeIcouldhavegottenafreechurro.Itwould’vebeennicetohavesomethingtoshowforbeingthesonofButterscotchHorseman.Mydarlingmothergavetheeulogy.MyentirelifeIneverheardhersayakindwordtooraboutmyfather,butathisfuneralshesaid,“Myhusbandisdead,andeverythingisworsenow.”“Myhusbandisdead,andeverythingisworsenow.”Idon’tknowwhyshesaidthat.Maybeshefeltlikethat’sthekindofthingyou’resupposedtosayatafuneral.Maybeshehopedonedaysomeonewouldsaythatabouther.“Mymotherisdead,andeverythingisworsenow.”Ormaybesheknewthathehadfritteredawayallherinheritance,andreplaceditwithcripplingdebt,whichisaprettyshittythingtoleaveyourwidowwith.“Badnews,youlostahusband,butdon’tworry,youalsolostthehouse!”MaybeMomknewshe’dhavetosellallherfancyjewelryandmoveintoahome.Maybethat’swhatshemeantby“everythingisworsenow.”Isthatwhatyoumeant,Mom?Igottasay,I’mreallycarryingthisdoubleact.AtleastwithPennandTeller,thequietonedoescardtricks.Hey,pianoman,whenIsaysomethingfunnytomymom,howaboutyougivemeoneofthoserimshots?[rimshotplays]Yeah,butnotnow.WhenIsaysomethingfunny.Like,okay.What’sthedifferencebetweenmymotherandadisruptiveexpulsionofgerms?One’sacoughin’fitandtheotherfitsacoffin!That’sanexampleofafunnything.[rimshotplays]Thankyou.Let’stryagain.Hey,Mom.What’sthedifferencebetweenmymotherandabunchofEastereggs?Onegetscarriedinabasket,theothergetsburiedinacasket![rimshotplays]Readyforonemore?Lastone.What’sthedifferencebetweenafirst-yearlitmajorandmymother,BeatriceHorseman?Oneisdecentlyread,andtheother’sahugebitch![womangasps][murmurs]Yeah,mighthavegonealittletoofarwiththatone.Thatonemight’vebeenalittletoo“mymom’sahugebitch”fortheroom.I’msorry,Mother.You’renotahugebitch.Youwereahugebitch…andnowyou’redead.[womansighs]Youknow,thefirsttimeIeverperformedinfrontofanaudience,itactuallywas,uh,withmymom.Sheusedtoputontheseshowswithhersupperclubinthelivingroomandsheusedtomake…[inhales]Sheusedtomakemesing“TheLollipopSong.”[organplayingtune]Thoseparties,theywerereallysomething.Therewereskitsandmagicacts,andethnicallyinsensitivevaudevilleroutines,andthebigfinalewasalwaysadancemymotherdid.Shehadthisbeautifuldressthatsheonlybroughtoutfortheseparties,andshedidthisincrediblenumber.Itwassobeautifulandsad.Dadhatedtheparties.He’dlockhimselfinthestudy,andbangonthewallsforustokeepitdown,buthealwayscameouttoseeMomdance.He’dlingerinthedoorway,scotchinhand,andwatchinawe,asthiscynical,despicablewomanhemarried…tookflight.Andasachildwhowascompletelyterrifiedofbothmyparents,Iwasalwaysawarethatthismomentofgrace,itmeantsomething.Weunderstoodeachotherinaway.Meandmymomandmydad,asscrewedupasweallwere,wedidunderstandeachother.Mymother,sheknewwhatit’sliketofeelyourentirelifelikeyou’redrowning,withtheexceptionofthesemoments,theseveryrare,briefinstances,inwhichyousuddenlyremember…youcanswim.[flashback][partygoerslaughing][classicalmusicplaying]Butthenagain,mostlynot.Mostlyyou’redrowning.Sheunderstoodthat,too.AndsherecognizedthatIunderstoodit.AndDad.Allthreeofusweredrowning,andwedidn’tknowhowtosaveeachother,buttherewasanunderstandingthatwewerealldrowningtogether.AndIwouldliketothinkthatthat’swhatshemeantwhenwewereinthehospitalandshesaid,“Iseeyou.”Youknow,theweirdthingaboutbothyourparentsbeingdeadisitmeansthatyou’renext.Imean,youknow,obviouslyit’snotlikethere’sawaitlistfordying.AnyoneofuscouldgetrunoverbyaSnapchattingteenatanymoment.Andyouwouldthinkthatknowingthatwouldmakeusmoreadventurous,andkind,andforgiving.Butitmakesussmall,andstupid,andpetty.Iactuallyhadanear-deathexperiencerecently.AstuntwentbadandIfelloffabuilding.I’manactor,Idomyownstunts.I’monthisnewshowPhilbert.I’mPhilbert.Staroftheshow.Ithasn’tcomeoutyet,butit’salreadygettingEmmybuzz.Oh,speakingofbuzz…[inhales]I’msupposedtotaketwooftheseeverymorning,butmydaysaresoscrewedup‘causeoftheshootingschedule,Idon’tevenknowwhatmorningmeansanymore.There’sajokeintheresomewhere,aboutaguywho’sbeentosomanyfunerals,hedoesn’tevenknowwhatmourningmeansanymore.Letyouguysfigurethatoneoutforyourselves.[gulps]Anyway,youknowwhatIthought,whenIwasfallingoffthebuildingandIwentintopanicmode?ThelastthingthatmystupidbraincouldcomeupwithbeforeIdied?“Won’ttheybesorry.”Coolthought,brain.[rimshotplays]No,thatwasn’t…wouldyoujust…dialitback,allright?Idon’tevenknowwhat“they”Iwantedtobesorry.Mymom,evenbeforeshedied,couldbarelyrememberwhoIwas.Andofcourse,mydad’sdead.ThelastconversationIeverhadwithhimwasabouthisnovel.Hewassocertainthisbookwashislegacy.Maybehethoughtitwouldvindicatehimforalltheshittythingsheeverdidinhisstupidworthlesslife.Maybeitdid,Idon’tknow.Ineverreadit,becausewhywouldIgivehimthat?IusedtobeonthisTVshowcalledHorsin’Around.Seriously,though,holdyourapplause.[mancoughs]Wellheld.ItwaswrittenbymyfriendHerbKazzaz,who’salsodeadnow,anditstarredthislittlegirlnamedSarahLynn.Anditwasabouttheseorphans.Andearlyon,thenetworkhadanote,“Maybedon’tmentionthey’reorphanssomuch,becauseaudiencestendtofindorphanssadandnotrelatable.”ButIneverthoughtthattheorphansweresad.I-Ialwaysthoughttheywerelucky,becausetheycouldimaginetheirparentstobeanythingtheywanted.Theyhadsomethingtolongfor.Anyway,wedidthisoneseasonfinale,whereOlivia’sbirthmothercomestotown.Andshewasajunkie,butshe’sgottenherselfcleanedup,andshewantstobeinOlivia’slifeagain.Andofcourse,she’slikeaperfectgrown-upversionofOlivia,andtheygotothemalltogetherandgetherearspiercedlikeshe’salwayswantedand—sorry,spoileralertfortheseasonsixfinaleofHorsin’Around,ifyou’restillworkingyourwaythroughit.Anyway,thehorsetriestowarnher,“Becareful,momshaveawayoflettingyoudown.”ButOliviajustthinksthehorseisjealous,andwhenthemomsaysshe’smovingtoCalifornia,Oliviadecidestogowithher.Andthenetworkreallyjuicedthecliffhanger:“IsOliviagoneforgood?”Butofcourse,becauseit’saTVshow,shewasnotgoneforgood.Ofcourse,becauseit’saTVshow,Olivia’smotherhadarelapseandhadtogobacktorehab,soOliviahadtohitchhikeallthewayhome,gettingridesfromMr.T,Alf,andthecastofStomp.Ofcourse,that’swhathappened.Because,whatareyougonnado,justnothaveOliviaontheshow?Youcan’thavehappyendingsinsitcoms,notreally,because,ifeveryone’shappy,theshowwouldbeover,andaboveallelse,theshow…hastokeepgoing.There’salwaysmoreshow.AndyoucancallHorsin’Arounddumb,orbad,orunrealistic,butthereisnothingmorerealisticthanthat.Younevergetahappyending,‘causethere’salwaysmoreshow.Iguessuntilthereisn’t.[chuckles]MymomwouldhateitifsheknewthatIspentsomuchtimeatherfuneraltalkingaboutmyoldTVshow.Ormaybeshe’dthinkitwasfunnythatheridiotsoncouldn’tevendothisright.Whoknows?Sheleftnoinstructionsforwhatshewantedmetosay.AllIknowisshewantedanopencasket,andheridiotsoncouldn’tevendothatright.I’mnotgonnastanduphereandpretendIeverunderstoodhowtopleasethatwoman,eventhoughsomuchofmylifehasbeenwastedinvainattemptstofigureitout.ButIkeepgoingbacktothatmomentintheICUwhenshelookedatme,and…“I-C-U.”“I…see…you.”JesusChrist,wewereintheintensivecareunit.Shewasjustreadingasign.MymomdiedandallIgotwasthisfreechurro.Youknowtheshittiestthingaboutallofthis?Iswhenthatstrangerbehindthecountergavemethatfreechurro,thatsmallactofkindnessshowedmorecompassionthanmymothergavemeherentiregoddamnlife.Like,howhardisittodosomethingniceforaperson?ThiswomanattheJackintheBoxdidn’tevenknowme.I’myourson!AllIhadwasyou![inhales]Ihavethisfriend.AndrightaroundwhenIfirstmether,herdaddied,andIactuallywentwithhertothefuneral.Andmonthslater,shetoldmethatshedidn’tunderstandwhyshewasstillupset,becausesheneverevenlikedherfather.Itmadesensetome,becauseIwentthroughthesamethingwhenmydaddied.AndI’mgoingthroughthesamethingnow.Youknowwhatit’slike?It’slikethatshowBecker,youknow,withTedDanson?Iwatchedtheentirerunofthatshow,hopingthatitwouldgetbetter,anditneverdid.Ithadalltherightpieces,butitjust—itcouldn’tputthemtogether.Andwhenitgotcanceled,Iwasreallybummedout,notbecauseIlikedtheshow,butbecauseIknewitcouldbesomuchbetter,andnowitneverwouldbe.Andthat’swhatlosingaparentislike.It’slikeBecker.Suddenly,yourealizeyou’llneverhavethegoodrelationshipyouwanted,andaslongastheywerealive,eventhoughyou’dneveradmitit,partofyou,thestupidestgoddamnpartofyou,wasstillholdingontothatchance.Andyoudidn’tevenrealizeituntilthatchancewentaway.Mymotherisdead,andeverythingisworsenow,becausenowIknowIwillneverhaveamotherwholooksatmefromacrossaroomandsays,“BoJackHorseman,Iseeyou.”ButIguessit’sgoodtoknow.It’sgoodtoknowthatthereisnobodylookingoutforme,thatthereneverwas,andthereneverwillbe.No,it’sgoodtoknowthatIamtheonlyonethatIcandependon.AndIknowthatnowandit’sgood.It’sgoodthatIknowthat.So…it’sgoodmymotherisdead.[gulps,sighs]Well.Nopointbeatingadeadhorse.BeatriceHorsemanwasbornin1938,andshediedin2018,andIhavenoidea…whatshewanted.Unlessshejustwantedwhatweallwant…tobeseen.IsthisFuneralParlorB?——fromReddit