TheLostYearsamp;LastDaysofDavidFosterWallace

Incaseanyoneneedstoreadit.source:http://kurtrudder.blogspot.jp/2009/01/lost-years-last-days-of-david-foster.htmlissue:1064RollingStone,Oct.30,2008autour:DavidLipskyTheLostYearsLastDaysofDavidFosterWallaceHewasthegreatestwriterofhisgeneration-andalsoitsmosttormented.Inthewakeofhistragicsuicide,hisfriendsandfamilyrevealthelifelongstruggleofabeautifulmindbyDavidLipskyHewassix-feet-two,andonagooddayheweighed200pounds.Heworegrannyglasseswithaheadscarf,pointsknottedattheback,alookthatwasbothpirate-likeandhousewife-ish.Healwaysworehishairlong.Hehaddarkeyes,softvoice,cavemanchin,alovely,peak-lippedmouththatwashisbestfeature.Hewalkedwithanex-athletessaunter,arollfromtheheels,asifanythingphysicalwasapleasure.DavidFosterWallaceworkedsurprisingturnsonnearlyeverything:novels,journalism,vacation.Hislifewasaninformationhunt,collectinghowsandwhys.quot;Ireceived500,000discretebitsofinformationtoday,quot;heoncesaid,quot;ofwhichmaybe25areimportant.Myjobistomakesomesenseofit.quot;Hewantedtowritequot;stuffaboutwhatitfeelsliketolive.Insteadofbeingarelieffromwhatitfeelsliketolive.quot;Readerscurledupinthenooksandclearingsofhisstyle:hiscomedy,hisbrilliance,hishumaneness.Hislifewasamapthatendsatthewrongdestination.WallacewasanAstudentthroughhighschool,heplayedfootball,heplayedtennis,hewroteaphilosophythesisandanovelbeforehegraduatedfromAmherst,hewenttowritingschool,publishedthenovel,madeacityofsqualling,bruising,kneecappingeditorsandwritersfallmoony-eyedinlovewithhim.Hepublishedathousand-pagenovel,receivedtheonlyawardyougetinthenationforbeingagenius,wroteessaysprovidingthebestfeelanywhereofwhatitmeanstobealiveinthecontemporaryworld,acceptedaspecialchairatCaliforniasPomonaCollegetoteachwriting,married,publishedanotherbookand,lastmonth,hangedhimselfatage46.quot;TheonethingthatreallyshouldbesaidaboutDavidFosterWallaceisthatthiswasaonce-in-a-centurytalent,quot;sayshisfriendandformereditorColinHarrison.quot;Wemayneverseeaguylikethisagaininourlifetimes—thatIwillshoutout.Hewaslikeacometflyingbyatgroundlevel.quot;His1996novel,InfiniteJest,wasBible-sizeandspawnedbooksofinterpretationandcommentary,likeUnderstandingDavidFosterWallace—abookhisfriendsmighthavetriedtowriteandwouldhavelineduptobuy.Hewasclinicallydepressedfordecades,informationhelimitedtofamilyandhisclosestfriends.quot;Idontthinkthatheeverlostthefeelingthattherewassomethingshamefulaboutthis,quot;hisfathersays.quot;Hisinstinctwastohideit.quot;AfterhediedonSeptember12th,readerscrowdedtheWebwithtributestohisgenerosity,hisintelligence.quot;ButhewasntSaintDave,quot;saysJonathanFranzen,WallacesbestfriendandtheauthorofTheCorrections.quot;ThisistheparadoxofDave:Thecloseryouget,thedarkerthepicture,butthemoregenuinelylovablehewas.Itwasonlywhenyouknewhimbetterthatyouhadatrueappreciationofwhataheroicstruggleitwasforhimnotmerelytogetalongintheworld,buttoproducewonderfulwriting.quot;DavidgrewupinChampaign,Illinois.Hisfather,Jim,taughtphilosophyattheUniversityofIllinois.Hismother,Sally,taughtEnglishatalocalcommunitycollege.Itwasanacademichousehold—poised,considerate—languagegamesinthecar,theroomstidy,thebookcasethehero.quot;Ihavetheseweirdearlymemories,quot;Wallacetoldmeduringaseriesofinterviewsin1996.quot;IremembermyparentsreadingUlyssesoutloudtoeachotherinbed,holdinghandsandbothlovinsomethingreallyfiercely.quot;Sallyhatedtogetangry—ittookherdaystorecoverfromashout.Sothefamilydevelopedasortofinterofficeconflictmail.Whenhismotherhadsomethingsterntosay,shedwriteitupinaletter.WhenDavidwantedsomethingbadly—raisedallowance,moreliberalbedtime—hedslidealetterunderhisparentsdoor.Davidwasoneofthoseeerie,perfectcombinationsoftwoparentsskills.Thetitlesofhisfathersbooks—EthicalNorms,ParticularCases—havethesoundofWallaceshort-storytitles.ThetoneofhismothersspeakingvoicecontainsechoesofWallaceswritingvoice:Hertextbook,PracticallyPainlessEnglish,soundslikeaWallacejoke.Sheusesphraseslikequot;perishinghotquot;forveryhot,quot;snoofquot;fortalkinginyoursleep,quot;heaveyourskeletonquot;forgotobed.quot;DavidandIbothoweahugedebttomymother,quot;sayshissister,Amy,twoyearsyounger.quot;ShehasawayoftalkingthatIveneverheardanywhereelse.quot;Davidwas,fromanearlyage,quot;veryfragile,quot;asheputit.HelovedTV,andwouldgetincrediblyexcitedwatchingaprogramlikeBatmanorTheWildWildWest.(Hisparentsrationedthequot;roughquot;shows.Oneperweek.)Davidcouldmemorizewholeshowsofdialogueandpredict,likeakindofplotweatherman,whenthestorywasgoingtoturn,wherecharacterswouldendup.Noonesawortreatedhimasagenius,butatage14,whenheaskedwhathisfatherdid,JimsatDaviddownandwalkedhimthroughaSocraticdialogue.quot;Iwasastonishedbyhowsophisticatedhisunderstandingwas,quot;Jimsays.quot;Atthatpoint,Ifiguredoutthathereally,reallywasextraordinarilybright.quot;Davidwasabig-builtkid;heplayedfootball—quarterback—untilhewas12or13,andwouldalwaysspeaklikeanathlete,thedisappearingGs,quot;wudnt,quot;quot;dudntquot;andquot;idntquot;andquot;sumpin.quot;quot;ThebigthingIwaswhenIwaslittlewasareallyseriousjock,quot;Wallacetoldme.quot;Imean,Ihadnoartisticambition.Iplayedcitywidefootball.AndIwasreallygood.ThenIgottojuniorhigh,andthereweretwoguysinthecitywhowerebetterquarterbacksthanme.Andpeoplestartedhittingeachotheralotharder,andIdiscoveredthatIdidntreallylovetohitpeople.Thatwasahugedisappointment.quot;AfterhisfirstdayoffootballpracticeatUrbanaHighSchool,hecamehomeandchuckedit.Heofferedtwoexplanationstohisparents:Theyexpectedhimtopracticeeveryday,andthecoachesdidtoomuchcursing.Hehadalsopickeduparacket.quot;Idiscoveredtennisonmyown,quot;Wallacesaid,quot;takingpublic-parklessons.Forfiveyears,Iwasseriouslygonnabeaprotennisplayer.Ididntlookthatgood,butIwasalmostimpossibletobeat.Iknowthatsoundsarrogant.Itstrue.quot;Oncourt,hewasabitofahustler:Beforeamatch,hedtellhisopponent,quot;Thankyouforbeinghere,butyourejustgoingtocreamme.quot;Bythetimehewas14,hefelthecouldhavemadenationals.quot;Reallybeinthejuniorshow.Butjustatthepointitbecameimportanttome,Ibegantochoke.Themorescaredyouget,theworseyouplay.quot;PlusitwastheSeventies—PinkFloyd,bongs.quot;IstartedtosmokealotofpotwhenIwas15or16,anditshardtotrain.quot;Helaughed.quot;Youdonthavethatmuchenergy.quot;ItwasaroundthistimethattheWallacesnoticedsomethingstrangeaboutDavid.Hewouldvoicesurprisingrequests,likewantingtopainthisbedroomblack.Hewasconstantlyangryathissister.Whenhewas16,herefusedtogotoherbirthdayparty.quot;WhywouldIwanttocelebrateherbirthday?quot;hetoldhisparents.quot;Davidbegantohaveanxietyattacksinhighschool,quot;hisfatherrecalls.quot;Inoticedthesymptoms,butIwasjustsounsophisticatedaboutthesematters.ThedepressionseemedtotaketheformofanevilspiritthatjusthauntedDavid.quot;Sallycametocallitthequot;blackholewithteeth.quot;Davidwithdrew.quot;Hespentalotoftimethrowingupjunioryear,quot;hissisterremembers.Onewallofhisbedroomwaslinedwithcork,formagazinephotosoftennisstars.DavidpinnedanarticleaboutKafkatothewall,withtheheadlineTHEDISEASEWASLIFEITSELF.quot;Ihatedseeingthosewords,quot;hissistertellsme,andstartstocry.quot;Theyseemedtosumuphisexistence.Wecouldntunderstandwhyhewasactingthewayhewas,andsoofcoursemyparentswereexasperated,lovinglyexasperated.quot;Davidgraduatedhighschoolwithperfectgrades.Whateverhispersonalhurricanewas,ithadscatteredtreesandmovedon.HedecidedtogotoAmherst,whichiswherehisfatherhadgone,too.HisparentstoldhimhewouldenjoytheBerkshireautumn.Instead,hemissedhome—thefarmsandflathorizons,roadsstretchingcontentedlynowhere.quot;Itsfall,quot;Davidwroteback.quot;Themountainsarepretty,butthelandscapeisntbeautifulthewayIllinoisis.quot;WallacehadluggedhisbagsintoAmherstthefallof1980—Reagancomingin,theSeventiescapsized,preppieseverywhere.Hebroughtasuittocampus.quot;ItwaskindofaSearssuit,withthisScotch-plaidtie,quot;sayshiscollegeroommateandclosefriendMarkCostello,whowentontobecomeasuccessfulnovelisthimself.quot;GuyswhowenttoAmherst,whocamefromfiveprepschools,theyalwaysdressanotchdown.Noonesbringingasuit.ThatwasjusttheWallacesensethatgoingEastisabigdeal,andyouhavetonotembarrassus.Myfirstimpressionwasthathewasreallyveryoutofstep.quot;Costellocamefromworking-classMassachusetts,sevenkids,Irish-Catholichousehold.HeandWallaceconnected.quot;NeitherofusfitintotheGatsby-itemold,quot;Costellosays.AtAmherstDavidperfectedthestylehewouldwearfortherestofhislife:turtleneck,hoodie,bigbasketballshoes.Thelookofparking-lotkidswhoinIllinoiswerecalledDirtBombs.quot;Aslightlytough,slightlywaste-product-y,tennis-playingpersona,quot;Costellosays.Wallacewasalsoamazinglyfastandgoodcompany,evenjustonawalkacrosscampus.quot;Idalwayswantedtobeanimpressionist,quot;Wallacesaid,quot;butIjustdidnthaveanagileenoughvocalandfacialregistertodoit.quot;Crossingagreen,itwasTheDaveShow.Hewouldrecounthowpeoplewalked,talked,heldtheirheads,picturedtheirlives.quot;Justveryconnectedtopeople,quot;Costellorecalls.quot;Davehadthisabilitytobeinsidesomeoneelsesskin.quot;Observingpeoplefromafar,ofcourse,canbeawayofavoidingthemupclose.quot;Iwasacompletejusttotalbanzaiweeniestudierincollege,quot;Wallacerecalled.quot;Iwasreallyjustscaredofpeople.Forinstance,IwouldbravetheTVpit—thecentralTVroom—towatchHillStreetBlues,causethatwasareallyimportantshowtome.quot;Oneafternoon,Aprilofsophomoreyear,CostellocamebacktothedormtheysharedandfoundWallaceseatedinhischair.Deskclean,bagspacked,evenhistypewriter,whichweighedasmuchastheclothesputtogether.quot;Dave,whatsgoingon?quot;Costelloasked.quot;Imsorry,Imsosorry,quot;Wallacesaid.quot;IknowImreallyscrewingyou.quot;Hewaspullingoutofcollege.Costellodrovehimtotheairport.quot;Hewasntabletotalkaboutit,quot;Costellorecalls.quot;Hewascrying,hewasmortified.Panicky.Hecouldntcontrolhisthoughts.Itwasmentalincontinence,theequivalentofwettinghispants.quot;quot;Iwasntveryhappythere,quot;Wallacetoldmelater.quot;Ifeltkindofinadequate.TherewasalotofstuffIwantedtoreadthatwasntpartofanyclass.AndMomandDadwerejusttotallycool.quot;Wallacewenthometohospitalization,explanationstohisparents,ajob.Forawhile,hedroveaschoolbus.quot;Herehewas,aguywhowasreallyshaky,kindofHoldenCaulfield,drivingaschoolbusthroughlightningstorms,quot;Costellorecalls.quot;Hewrotemealetteralloutraged,aboutthepoorscreeningproceduresforschool-busdriversincentralIllinois.quot;Wallacewouldvisithisdadsphilosophyclasses.quot;TheclasseswouldturnintoadialoguebetweenDavidandme,quot;hisfatherremembers.quot;Thestudentswouldjustsitlookingaround,Whoisthisguy?quot;Wallacedevourednovels—quot;prettymucheverythingIvereadwasreadduringthatyear.quot;Healsotoldhisparentshowhedfeltatschool.quot;Hewouldtalkaboutjustbeingverysad,andlonely,quot;Sallysays.quot;Itdidnthaveanythingtodowithbeingloved.Hejustwasverylonelyinsidehimself.quot;HereturnedtoAmherstinthefall,toroomwithCostello,shakybuthardened.quot;Certainthingshadbeendestroyedinhishead,quot;Costellosays.quot;InthefirsthalfofhisAmherstcareer,hewastryingtobearegularperson.Hewasonthedebateteam,thesortofguywhoknowshesgoingtobeasuccess.quot;Wallacehadtalkedaboutgoingintopolitics;Costellorecallshimjoking,quot;Nooneisgoingtovoteforsomebodywhosbeeninanuthouse.quot;Havinghislifefallapartnarrowedhissenseofwhathisoptionswere—andthepossibilitiesthatwereleftbecamemorerealtohim.InalettertoCostello,hewrote,quot;Iwanttowritebooksthatpeoplewillread100yearsfromnow.quot;Backatschooljunioryear,henevertalkedmuchabouthisbreakdown.quot;Itwasembarrassingandpersonal,quot;Costellosays.quot;Azoneofnojokes.quot;Wallaceregardeditasafailure,somethingheshouldhavebeenabletocontrol.Heroutinizedhislife.Hedbethefirsttrayatthedininghallforsupper,hedeat,drinkcoffeedippedwithteabags,librarystudytill11,headbacktotheroom,turnonHawaiiFive-O,thenamidnightgulpfromascotchbottle.Whenhecouldntturnhismindoff,hedsay,quot;Youknowwhat?Ithinkthisisatwo-shotnight,quot;slamanotherandsleep.In1984,CostelloleftforYaleLawSchool;Wallacewasalonesenioryear.Hedouble-majored—Englishandphilosophy,whichmeanttwobigwritingprojects.Inphilosophy,hetookonmodallogic.quot;Itlookedreallyhard,andIwasreallyscaredaboutit,quot;hesaid.quot;SoIthoughtIddothiskindofjaunty,hundred-pagenovel.quot;Hewroteitinfivemonths,anditclockedinat700pages.HecalleditTheBroomoftheSystem.WallacepublishedstoriesintheAmherstliterarymagazine.Onewasaboutdepressionandatricyclicanti-anxietymedicationhehadbeenonfortwomonths.Themedicationquot;mademefeellikeIwasstonedandinhell,quot;hetoldme.Thestorydealtwiththein-hellparts:Youarethesicknessyourself....Yourealizeallthis...whenyoulookattheblackholeanditswearingyourface.ThatswhentheBadThingjustabsolutelyeatsyouup,orratherwhenyoujusteatyourselfup.Whenyoukillyourself.Allthisbusinessaboutpeoplecommittingsuicidewhentheyrequot;severelydepressed;quot;wesay,quot;Holycow,wemustdosomethingtostopthemfromkillingthemselves!quot;Thatswrong.Becauseallthesepeoplehave,yousee,bythistimealreadykilledthemselves,whereitreallycounts....Whentheyquot;commitsuicide,quot;theyrejustbeingorderly.ItwasntjustwritingthenovelthatmadeWallacerealizehisfuturewouldlieinfiction.Healsohelpedoutfriendsbywritingtheirpapers.Inacomicbook,thiswouldbehisoriginstory,thepartwherehesbombardedwithgammarays,bittenbythespider.quot;Irememberrealizingatthetime,Man,Imreallygoodatthis.Imaweirdkindofforger.Icansoundkindoflikeanybody.quot;Gradschoolwasnext.Philosophywouldbeanobviouschoice.quot;Mydadwouldhavelimbsremovedwithoutanestheticbeforeeverpushinghiskidsaboutanything,quot;Wallacesaid.quot;ButIknewIwasgonnahavetogotogradschool.IappliedtotheseEnglishprogramsinstead,andIdidnttellanybody.WritingTheBroomoftheSystem,IfeltlikeIwasusing97percentofme,whereasphilosophywasusing50percent.quot;AfterAmherst,WallacewenttotheUniversityofArizonaforanMFA.Itwaswherehepickedupthebandanna:quot;IstartedwearingtheminTucsonbecauseitwasahundreddegreesallthetime,andIwouldperspiresomuchIwoulddriponthepage.quot;Thewomanhewasdatingthoughtthebandannawasawisemove.quot;ShewaslikeaSixtieslady,aSufiMuslim.Shesaidtherewerevariouschakras,andoneofthebigonesshecalledthespouthole,attheverytopofyourcranium.ThenIbeganthinkingaboutthephraseKeepingyourheadtogether.Itmakesmefeelkindofcreepythatpeopleviewitasatrademarkorsomething—itsmorearecognitionofaweakness,whichisthatImjustkindofworriedthatmyheadsgonnaexplode.quot;Arizonawasastrangeexperience:thefirstclassroomswherepeoplewerenthappytoseehim.Hewantedtowritethewayhewantedtowrite—funnyandoverstuffedandnonlinearandstrange.Theteacherswereallquot;hardassrealists.quot;Thatwasthefirstproblem.ProblemtwowasWallace.quot;IthinkIwaskindofaprick,quot;hesaid.quot;Iwasjustunteachable.Ihadthatlook—Iftherewereanyjustice,Idbeteachingthisclass—thatmakesyouwanttoslapastudent.quot;Oneofhisstories,quot;HereandThere,quot;wentontowina1989O.HenryPrizeafteritwaspublishedinaliterarymagazine.Whenheturneditintohisprofessor,hereceivedachillynoteback:quot;Ihopethisisntrepresentativeoftheworkyourehopingtodoforus.Wedhatetoloseyou.quot;quot;WhatIhatedwashowdisingenuousitwas,quot;Wallacerecalled.quot;Wedhatetoloseyou.Youknow,ifyouregonnathreaten,saythat.quot;Wallacesenthisthesisprojectouttoagents.Hegotalotoflettersback:quot;Bestofluckinyourjanitorialcareer.quot;BonnieNadellwas25,workingafirstjobatSanFranciscosFrederickHillAgency.SheopenedaletterfromWallace,readachapterfromhisbook.quot;Iloveditsomuch,quot;Nadellsays.ItturnedouttherewasawriternamedDavidRainsWallace.HillandNadellagreedthatDavidshouldinserthismothersmaidenname,whichishowhebecameDavidFosterWallace.Sheremainedhisagentfortherestofhislife.quot;Ihavethisthing,thenearestJewishmother,Iwillsimplyputmyarmsaroundherskirtandjustattachmyself,quot;Wallacesaid.quot;Idontknowwhatitmeans.MaybesortofWASPdeprivation.quot;Vikingwontheauctionforthenovel,quot;withsomethinglikeahandfuloftradingstamps.quot;Wordspread;professorsturnednice.quot;Iwentfromborderlineready-to-get-kicked-outtoallthesetight-smiledguysbeing,Gladtoseeyou,wereproudofyou,youllhavetocomeoverfordinner.Itwassodelicious:Ifeltkindofembarrassedforthem,theydidntevenhaveintegrityabouttheirhatred.quot;WallacewenttoNewYorktomeethiseditor,GerryHoward,wearingaU2T-shirt.quot;Heseemedlikeaveryyoung24,quot;Howardsays.Theshirtimpressedhim.quot;U2wasntreallyhugethen.AndtheresahypersinceritytoU2,whichIthinkDavidwasintunewith—orthathereallywantedtobesincere,eventhoughhisbrainkeptturninghiminthedirectionoftheironic.quot;WallacekeptcallingHoward—whowasonly36—quot;Mr.Howard,quot;neverquot;Gerry.quot;Itwouldbecomehisbusinessstyle:akindofmockformality.Peopleoftensuspecteditwasaput-on.WhatitwaswasMidwesternpoliteness,theburnoutintheparkinglotstillnoddingquot;sirquot;totheviceprincipal.quot;Therewaskindofthishumofsuperintelligencebehindtheaw,shucksmanner,quot;Howardrecalls.TheBroomoftheSystemwaspublishedinJanuaryof1987,WallacessecondandlastyearatArizona.Thetitlereferredtosomethinghismothersgrandmotherusedtosay,asin,quot;Here,Sally,haveanapple,itsthebroomofthesystem.quot;quot;IwasntawareDavidhadpickeduponthat,quot;hismothersays.quot;Iwasthrilledthatafamilyexpressionbecamethetitleofhisbook.quot;Thenovelhit.quot;Everythingyoucouldhopefor,quot;Howardsays.quot;Criticspraisedit,itsoldquitewell,andDavidwasofftotheraces.quot;Hisfirstbrushwithfamewasakindofgatewayexperience.WallacewouldopenTheWallStreetJournal,seehisfacetransmutedintoadot-cartoon.quot;SomearticlelikeHotshotsWeirdNewNovel,quot;hesaid.quot;Idfeelreallygood,reallycool,forexactly10seconds.Probablynotunlikeacrackhigh,youknow?IwaslivinganincrediblyAmericanlife:Boy,ifIcouldjustachieveX,YandZ,everythingwouldbeOK.quot;HowardboughtWallacessecondbook,GirlWithCuriousHair,acollectionofthestorieshewasfinishingupatArizona.ButsomethinginWallaceworriedhim.quot;IhaveneverencounteredamindlikeDavids,quot;hesays.quot;Itfunctionedatsuchanamazinglyhighlevel,heclearlylivedinahyperalertstate.Butontheotherhand,IfeltthatDavidsemotionallifelaggedfarbehindhismentallife.AndIthinkhecouldgetlostinthegapbetweenthetwo.quot;Wallacewasalreadydriftingintothegap.HewonaWhitingWritersAward—stoodonastagewithEudoraWelty—graduatedArizona,wenttoanartistscolony,metfamouswriters,knewthefamouswriterswereseeinghisnameinmoremagazines(quot;absolutelyexhilaratingandreallyscaryatthesametimequot;),finishedthestories.Andthenhewasoutofideas.HetriedtowriteinacabininTucsonforawhile,thenreturnedhometowrite—MomandDaddoingthegroceryshopping.Heacceptedaone-yearslotteachingphilosophyatAmherst,whichwasstrange:Sophomoreshehadknownwerenowhisstudents.Intheacknowledgmentsforthebookhewascompleting,hethanksquot;TheMr.andMrs.WallaceFundforAimlessChildren.quot;Hewasballedup,tiedup.quot;IstartedhatingeverythingIdid,quot;hesaid.quot;WorsethanstuffIddoneincollege.Hopelesslyconfused,unbelievablybad.Iwasreallyinapanic,IdidntthinkIwasgoingtobeabletowriteanymore.AndIgotthisidea:Idflourishedinanacademicenvironment—myfirsttwobookshadsortofbeenwrittenunderprofessors.quot;Heappliedtograduateprogramsinphilosophy,thinkinghecouldwritefictioninhissparetime.Harvardofferedafullscholarship.ThelastthingheneededtoreproducehiscollegeyearswastoreactivateMarkCostello.quot;Sohecomesupwiththiswholecockamamieplan,quot;Costellorecalls.quot;Hesays,OK,youregoingtogobacktoBoston,practicelaw,andImgoingtogotoHarvard.Welllivetogether—itllbejustlikethehousewehadatAmherst.Itallendedupbeingatrainwreck.quot;TheyfoundanapartmentinSomerville.Studentghetto:ricketybuildings,outdoorstaircases.Costellowouldcomehomewithhisbriefcase,clickupthebackstairs,Davidwouldcallout,quot;Hi,honey,howwasyourday?quot;ButWallacewasntwritingfiction.Hehadthoughtcourseworkwouldbeasideline;butprofessorsexpectedactualwork.Notwritingwasthekindofsymptomthatpresentsaproblemofitsown.quot;Hecouldgethimselfintoplaceswherehewasprettyhelpless,quot;Costellosays.quot;Basicallyitwasthesamesymptomsallalong:thisincrediblesenseofinadequacy,panic.Heoncesaidtomethathewantedtowritetoshutupthebabbleinhishead.Hesaidwhenyourewritingwell,youestablishavoiceinyourhead,anditshutsuptheothervoices.Theonesthataresaying,Yourenotgoodenough,youreafraud.quot;quot;Harvardwasjustunbelievablybleak,quot;Wallacesaid.Itbecameasubstancemarathon:drinking,parties,drugs.quot;Ididntwanttofeelit,quot;hesaid.quot;ItwastheonlytimeinmylifethatIdgonetobars,pickedupwomenIdidntknow.quot;Thenforweeks,hewouldquitdrinking,startmorningswitha10-milerun.quot;Youknow,thiskindofveryAmericansportstraining—Iwillfixthisbytakingradicalaction.quot;Schwarzeneggervoice:quot;Iftheresaproblem,Iwilltrainmyselfoutofit.Iwillworkharder.quot;Variousdelayswereholdingupthepublicationofhisshort-storycollectionGirlWithCuriousHair.Hestartedtofeelspooked.quot;Imthisgeniuswriter,quot;heremembered.quot;EverythingIdosgottabeingenious,blah,blah,blah,blah.quot;Thefive-yearclockwastickingagain.Hedplayedfootballforfiveyears.Thenhedplayedhigh-leveltennisforfiveyears.Nowhedbeenwritingforfiveyears.quot;WhatIsawwas,Jesus,itsthesamethingalloveragain.Idstartedlate,showedtremendouspromise—andtheminuteIfelttheimplicationsofthatpromise,itcavedin.Becausesee,bythistime,myegosallinvestedinthewriting.ItstheonlythingIvegottenfoodpelletsfromtheuniversefor.SoIfeeltrapped:Uh-oh,myfiveyearsisup,Ivegottamoveon.ButIdidntwanttomoveon.quot;CostellowatchedwhileWallaceslippedintoadepressivecrisis.quot;Hewashangingoutwithwomenwhowereprettyheavilyintodrugs—thatwaskindofalluringtoDave—skankingaroundSomerville,drinkinghimselfblotto.quot;ItwastheworstperiodWallacehadevergonethrough.quot;Itmayhavebeenwhatintheolddayswascalledaspiritualcrisis,quot;hesaid.quot;Itwasjustfeelingasthougheveryaxiomofyourlifeturnedouttobefalse.Andtherewasnothing,andyouwerenothing—itwasalladelusion.Butyouwerebetterthaneveryoneelsebecauseyousawthatitwasadelusion,andyetyouwereworsebecauseyoucouldntfunction.quot;ByNovember,theanxietieshadbecomelockedandfixed.quot;IgotreallyworriedIwasgoingtokillmyself.AndIknew,thatifanybodywasfatedtofuckupasuicideattempt,itwasme.quot;HewalkedacrosscampustoHealthServicesandtoldapsychiatrist,quot;Look,theresthisissue.Idontfeelrealsafe.quot;quot;Itwasabigdealforme,becauseIwassoembarrassed,quot;Wallacesaid.quot;ButitwasthefirsttimeIevertreatedmyselflikeIwasworthsomething.quot;Bymakinghisannouncement,Wallacehadactivatedaprotocol:Policewerenotified,hehadtowithdrawfromschool.HewassenttoMcLean,which,aspsychiatrichospitalsgo,ispedigreed:RobertLowell,SylviaPlath,AnneSextonallputinresidencesthere;itsthesettingforthememoirGirl,Interrupted.Wallacespenthisfirstdayonsuicidewatch.Lockedward,pinkroom,nofurniture,draininthefloor,observationslotinthedoor.quot;Whenthathappenstoyou,quot;Davidsaid,smiling,quot;yougetunprecedentedlywillingtoexamineotheralternativesforhowtolive.quot;WallacespenteightdaysinMcLean.Hewasdiagnosedasaclinicaldepressiveandwasprescribedadrug,calledNardil,developedinthe1950s.Hewouldhavetotakeitfromthenon.quot;Wehadabrief,maybethree-minuteaudiencewiththepsychopharmacologist,quot;hismothersays.Wallacewouldhavetoquitdrinking,andtherewasalonglistoffoods—certaincheeses,pickles,curedmeats—hewouldhavetostayawayfrom.Hestartedtocleanup.Hefoundawaytogetsober,workedveryhardatit,andwouldntdrinkfortherestofhislife.GirlWithCuriousHairfinallyappearedin1989.WallacegaveareadinginCambridge;13peopleshowedup,includingaschizophrenicwomanwhoshriekedallthewaythroughhisperformance.quot;Thebookscomingoutseemedlikeakindofshrill,jaggedlaughfromtheuniverse,thisthingsortoflingeringbehindmelikeareallynastyfart.quot;Whatfollowedwasaphased,deliberatereturntotheworld.Heworkedasasecurityguard,morningshift,atLotusSoftware.Polyesteruniform,servicebaton,walkingthecorridors.quot;IlikeditbecauseIdidnthavetothink,quot;hesaid.quot;ThenIquitfortheincrediblybravereasonthatIgottiredofgettingupsoearlyinthemorning.quot;Next,heworkedatahealthclubinAuburndale,Massachusetts.quot;Verychichi,quot;hesaid.quot;Theycalledmesomethingotherthanatowelboy,butIwasineffectatowelboy.Imsittingthere,andwhoshouldwalkintogettheirtowelbutMichaelRyan.Now,MichaelRyanhadreceivedaWhitingWritersAwardthesameyearIhad.SoIseethisguythatIdbeenuponthefuckingrostrumwith,havingEudoraWeltygiveusthisprize.Itstwoyearslater—itstheonlytimeIveliterallydivedundersomething.Hecamein,andIpretendednotverysubtlytoslip,andlayfacedown,anddidntrespond.Ileftthatday,andIdidntgoback.quot;HewroteBonnieNadellaletter;hewasdonewithwriting.Thatwasntexactlyherfirstconcern.quot;Iwasworriedhewasntgoingtosurvive,quot;shesays.HefilledinHoward,too.quot;IcontemplatedthecircumstancethatthebestyoungwriterinAmericawashandingouttowelsinahealthclub,quot;Howardsays.quot;Howfuckingsad.quot;WallacemetJonathanFranzeninthemostnaturalwayforanauthor:asafan.HesentFranzenaniceletterabouthisfirstnovel,TheTwenty-SeventhCity.Franzenwroteback,theyarrangedtomeetinCambridge.quot;Hejustflaked,quot;Franzenrecalls.quot;Hedidntshowup.Thatwasafairlysubstance-filledperiodofhislife.quot;ByAprilof1992,bothwerereadyforachange.TheyloadedFranzenscarandheadedforSyracusetoscoutapartments.Franzenneededquot;somewheretorelocatewithmywifewherewecouldbothaffordtoliveandnothaveanyonetellushowscrewedupourmarriagewas.quot;Wallacesneedwassimpler:cheapspace,forwriting.Hehadbeenresearchingformonths,hauntingrehabfacilitiesandhalfwayhouses,takingquietnoteofvoicesandstories,peoplewhohadfallenintothegapslikehim.quot;Igotveryassertiveresearch-andfinagle-wise,quot;hesaid.quot;Ispenthundredsofhoursatthreehalfwayhouses.Itturnedoutyoucouldjustsitinthelivingroom—nobodyisasgregariousassomebodywhohasrecentlystoppedusingdrugs.quot;HeandFranzentalkedalotaboutwhatwritingshouldbefor.quot;Wehadthisfeelingthatfictionoughttobegoodforsomething,quot;Franzensays.quot;Basically,wedecideditwastocombatloneliness.quot;TheywouldtalkaboutlotsofWallacesideas,whichcouldabruptlysharpenintoself-criticism.quot;Irememberthisbeingafrequenttopicofconversation,quot;Franzensays,quot;hisnotionofnothavinganauthenticself.Ofbeingjustquickenoughtoconstructapleasingselfforwhomeverhewastalkingto.Iseenowhewasntjustbeingfunny—therewassomethinggenuinelycompromisedinDavid.AtthetimeIthought,Wow,hesevenmoreself-consciousthanIam.quot;WallacespentayearwritinginSyracuse.quot;Ilivedinanapartmentthatwasseriouslythesizeofthefoyerofanaveragehouse.Ireallylikedit.Thereweresomanybooks,youcouldntmovearound.WhenIdwanttowrite,Idhavetoputallthestufffromthedeskonthebed,andwhenIdwanttosleep,Iwouldhavetoputallthestuffonthedesk.quot;Wallaceworkedlonghand,pagespilingup.quot;Youlookattheclockandsevenhourshavepassedandyourhandiscramped,quot;Wallacesaid.Hedhavepensheconsideredhot—cheapBicballpoints,likebattershavebatsthatarehot.Apenthatwashothecalledtheorgasmpen.Inthesummerof1993,hetookanacademicjob50milesfromhisparents,atIllinoisStateUniversityatNormal.Thebookwasthree-quartersdone.Basedonthefirstunrulystackofpages,NadellhadbeenabletosellittoLittle,Brown.Hehadputhiswholelifeintoit—tennis,anddepression,andstonerafternoons,andtheprecipiceofrehab,andallthehoursspentwithAmywatchingTV.TheplotmotorisamoviecalledInfiniteJest,sosoothingandperfectitsimpossibletoswitchoff:Youwatchuntilyousinkintoyourchair,spillyourbladder,starve,die.quot;Ifthebooksaboutanything,quot;hesaid,quot;itsaboutthequestionofwhyamIwatchingsomuchshit?Itsnotabouttheshit.Itsaboutme:WhyamIdoingit?TheoriginaltitlewasAFailedEntertainment,andthebookisstructuredasanentertainmentthatdoesntworkquot;—charactersdevelopingandscattering,chaptersdisordered—quot;becausewhatentertainmentultimatelyleadstoisInfiniteJest,thatsthestaritssteeringby.quot;Wallaceheldclassesinhishouse,studentsnudgingasidebookslikeCompendiumofDrugTherapyandTheEmergenceoftheFrenchArtFilm,makingjokesaboutMountManuscript,Davidspileofnovel.Hehadfinishedandcollectedthethreeyearsofdrafts,andfinallysatdownandtypedthewholething.Wallacedidntreallytype;heinputthegiantthingtwice,withonefinger.quot;Butareallyfastfinger.quot;Itcametoalmost1,700pages.quot;Iwasjustterrifiedhowlongitwouldendupbeing,quot;hesaid.Wallacetoldhiseditoritwouldbeagoodbeachbook,inthesensethatpeoplecoulduseitforshade.Itcantakeayeartoeditabook,re-editit,printit,publicizeit,shipit,thewriterallthetimecheckinghiswatch.Inthemeantime,Wallaceturnedtononfiction.Twopieces,publishedinHarpers,wouldbecomesomeofthemostfamouspiecesofjournalismofthepastdecadeandahalf.ColinHarrison,WallaceseditoratHarpers,hadtheideatooutfithimwithanotebookandpushhimintoperfectlyAmericanplaces—theIllinoisStateFair,aCaribbeancruise.ItwouldsoakupthesideofWallacethatwasalwayson,alwaysmeasuringhimself.quot;TherewouldbeDavethemimic,Davethepeople-watcher,quot;Costellosays.quot;Askinghimtoactuallyreportcouldgetstressfulandweirdandcomplicated.ColinhadthisstrokeofgeniusaboutwhattodowithDavid.Itwasamuchsimplersolutionthananyoneeverthought.quot;Inthepieces,Wallaceinventedastylewritershaveplunderedforadecade.Theuneditedcamera,thefeedbeforethedirectorinthevanstartsmakingchoicesandcuts.Thevoicewashumane,abig,kindbraintrippingoveritsownlumps.quot;TheHarperspiecesweremepeelingbackmyskull,quot;Wallacesaid.quot;Youknow,welcometomymindfor20pages,seethroughmyeyes,heresprettymuchalltheFrenchcurlsandcrazycircles.Thetrickwastohaveitbehonestbutalsointeresting—becausemostofourthoughtsarentallthatinteresting.Tobehonestwithamotive.quot;Helaughed.quot;Theresacertainpersonacreated,thatsalittlestupiderandschmuckierthanIam.quot;Thecruise-shippieceraninJanuary1996,amonthbeforeDavidsnovelwaspublished.Peoplephotocopiedit,faxedittoeachother,readitoverthephone.WhenpeopletellyoutheyrefansofDavidFosterWallace,whattheyreoftentellingyouisthattheyvereadthecruise-shippiece;Wallacewouldmakeitthetitleessayinhisfirstcollectionofjournalism,ASupposedlyFunThingIllNeverDoAgain.Inaway,thedifferencebetweenthefictionandthenonfictionreadsasthedifferencebetweenWallacessocialselfandhisprivateself.Theessayswereendlesslycharming,theywerethebestfriendyoudeverhave,spottingeverything,whisperingjokes,sweepingyoupastwhatwasirritatingorboringorawfulinhumanestyle.Wallacesfiction,especiallyafterInfiniteJest,wouldturnchilly,dark,abstract.Youcouldimaginetheauthorofthefictionsinkingintoadepression.Thenonfictionwriterwasanimpervioussun.ThenovelcameoutinFebruaryof1996.InNewYorkMagazine,WalterKirnwrote,quot;Thecompetitionhasbeenobliterated.ItsasthoughPaulBunyanhadjoinedtheNFL,orWittgensteinhadgoneonJeopardy!Thenovelisthatcolossallydisruptive.Andthatspectacularlygood.quot;HewasinNewsweek,Time,Hollywoodpeopleappearedathisreadings,womenbattedtheireyelashes,meninthebackrowsscowled,envied.AFedExguyranghisbell,watchedDavidsignfordelivery,asked,quot;Howsitfeeltobefamous?quot;Attheendofhisbooktour,IspentaweekwithDavid.Hetalkedaboutthequot;greasythrilloffamequot;andwhatitmightmeantohiswriting.quot;WhenIwas25,Iwouldvegivenacoupleofdigitsoffmynon-usehandforthis,quot;hesaid.quot;Ifeelgood,becauseIwannabedoingthisfor40moreyears,youknow?SoIvegottofindsomewaytoenjoythisthatdoesntinvolvegettingeatenbyit.quot;Hewasastonishinglygood,quickcompany,makingyoufeelbothwideawakeandasifyourshoeshadbeentiedtogether.Hedsaythingslike,quot;Theresgoodself-consciousness,andthentherestoxic,paralyzing,raped-by-psychic-Bedouinsself-consciousness.quot;Hetalkedaboutakindofshynessthatturnedsociallifeimpossiblycomplicated.quot;Ithinkbeingshybasicallymeansbeingself-absorbedtothepointthatitmakesitdifficulttobearoundotherpeople.Forinstance,ifImhangingoutwithyou,IcanteventellwhetherIlikeyouornotbecauseImtooworriedaboutwhetheryoulikeme.quot;Hesaidoneinterviewerhaddevotedtonsofenergytothegeniusquestion.quot;Thatwashiswholething,Areyounormal?Areyounormal?IthinkoneofthetruewaysIvegottensmarteristhatIverealizedthattherearewaysotherpeoplearealotsmarterthanme.MybiggestassetasawriteristhatImprettymuchlikeeverybodyelse.ThepartsofmethatusedtothinkIwasdifferentorsmarterorwhateveralmostmademedie.quot;Ithadbeendifficult,duringthesummer,towatchhissistergetmarried.quot;Imalmost35.Iwouldliketogetmarriedandhavekids.Ihaventevenstartedtoworkthatshitoutyet.Ivecomecloseafewtimes,butItendtobeinterestedinwomenthatIturnouttonotgetalongverywellwith.Ihavefriendswhosaythisissomethingthatwouldbeworthlookingintowithsomeonethatyoupay.quot;Wallacewasalwaysdatingsomebody.quot;Therewerealotofrelationships,quot;Amysays.Hedatedinhisimaginativelifetoo:WhenIvisitedhim,onewallwastapedwithagiantAlanisMorissetteposter.quot;TheAlanisMorissetteobsessionfollowedtheMelanieGriffithobsession—asix-yearobsession,quot;hesaid.quot;ItwasprecededbysomethingthatIwilltellyouIgotteasedalotfor,whichwasaterribleMargaretThatcherobsession.Allthroughcollege:postersofMargaretThatcher,andruminationsonMargaretThatcher.HavingherreallyenjoysomethingIsaid,leaningforwardandcoveringmyhandwithhers.quot;Hetendedtodatehigh-strungwomen—anothersymptomofhisshyness.quot;Saywhatyouwantaboutthem,psychoticstendtomakethefirstmove.quot;Owningdogswaslesscomplicated:quot;Youdontgetthefeelingyourehurtingtheirfeelingsallthetime.quot;Hisromanticanxietieswerefull-spectrum,everybitofthemechanicsindividuallyexamined.Hetoldmeajoke:Whatdoesawritersayaftersex?Wasitasgoodformeasitwasforyou?quot;Thereis,inwriting,acertainblendofsincerityandmanipulation,oftryingalwaystogaugewhattheparticulareffectofsomethingisgonnabe,quot;hesaid.quot;Itsaverypreciousassetthatreallyneedstobeturnedoffsometimes.Myguessisthatwritersprobablymakefun,skilled,satisfactory,andseeminglyconsideratepartnersforotherpeople.Butthattheexperienceforthemisoftenratherlonely.quot;OnenightWallacemetthewriterElizabethWurtzel,whosedepressionmemoir,ProzacNation,hadrecentlybeenpublished.Shethoughthelookedscruffy—jeansandthebandanna—andverysmart.Anothernight,Wallacewalkedherhomefromarestaurant,satwithherinherlobby,spentsometimetryingtotalkhiswayupstairs.ItcharmedWurtzel:quot;Youknow,hemighthavehadthisenormousbrain,butattheendoftheday,hestillwasaguy.quot;WallaceandWurtzeldidntreallytalkaboutthepersonalexperiencetheyhadincommon—depression,asubstancehistory,consultationsatMcLean—butabouttheirprofession,aboutwhattodowithfame.Wallace,again,hadsetimpossiblestandardsforhimself.quot;Itreallydisturbedhim,thepossibilitythatsuccesscouldtaintyou,quot;sherecalls.quot;Hewasveryinterestedinpurity,intheideaofauthenticity—thewaysomepeopleareintotheideaofbeingcool.Hehadkeepingitrealdowntoascience.quot;WhenWallacewroteher,hewasstillcurlingthroughthesametopic.quot;IgothroughaloopinwhichInoticeallthewaysIamself-centeredandcareeristandnottruetostandardsandvaluesthattranscendmyownpettyinterests,andfeellikeImnotoneofthegoodones.ButthenIcountenancethefactthatatleasthereIamworryingaboutit,noticingallthewaysIfallshortofintegrity,andIimaginethatmaybepeoplewithoutanyintegrityatalldontnoticeorworryaboutit;sothenIfeelbetteraboutmyself.Itsallveryconfusing.IthinkImveryhonestandcandid,butImalsoproudofhowhonestandcandidIam—sowheredoesthatputme?quot;Successcanbeasdifficulttorecoverfromasfailure.quot;Youknowtheticbig-leaguepitchershave,quot;hismothersays,quot;whentheyknowthattheyvepitchedamarvelousgame—butgee,cantheydoitagain,sotheykeepflexingthatarm?Therewassomeofthat.Wherehesaid,OK.Good,thatcameoutwell.ButcanIdoitagain?ThatwasthefeelingIgot.Therewasalwaystheshadowwaiting.quot;Wallacesawitthatwaytoo.quot;Mybigworry,quot;hesaid,quot;isthatthiswilljustupmyexpectationsformyself.Andexpectationsareaveryfineline.Uptoacertainpointtheycanbemotivating,canbekindofaflamethrowerheldtoyourass.Pastthatpointtheyretoxicandparalyzing.ImscaredthatIllfuckupandplungeintoacompressedversionofwhatIwentthroughbefore.quot;MarkCostellowasalsoworried.quot;Workgotveryhard.HedidntgetthesegiftsfromGodanymore,hedidntgetthesesix-weekperiodswherehegotexactlythe120pagesheneeded.Sohefounddistractioninotherplaces.quot;Hewouldgetengaged,thenunengaged.Hewouldcallfriends:quot;Nextweekend,Saturday,yougottabeinRochester,Minnesota,Imgettingmarried.quot;ButthenitwouldbeSunday,orthenextweek,andhedhavecalleditoff.quot;Healmostgotmarriedafewtimes,quot;Amysays.quot;Ithinkwhatultimatelyhappenedishewasdoingitmorefortheotherpersonthanhimself.Andherealizedthatwasntdoingtheotherpersonanyfavors.quot;WallacetoldCostelloaboutawomanhehadbecomeinvolvedwith.quot;Hesaid,ShegetsmadatmebecauseIneverwanttoleavethehouse.Honey,letsgotothemall.No,Iwanttowrite.Butyouneverdowrite.ButIdontknowifImgoingtowrite.SoIhavetobehereincaseithappens.Thiswentonforyears.quot;In2000,WallacewrotealettertohisfriendEvanWright,aRollingStonecontributor:quot;Iknowaboutstillhavingtroublewithrelationships.(Boyohboy,doI.)Butcomingtoenjoymyowncompanymoreandmore—mostofthetime.Iknowaboutsomedarknesseveryday(andsomedays,itsalldarkforme).quot;Hewroteaboutmeetingawoman,havingthingsmovetooeasily,decidingagainstit.quot;IthinkwhateverthepullisformeislargelycomposedofwantingtheBigYes,ofwantingsomeoneelsetowantyou(CheapTricklives)....SonowIdontknowwhattodo.Probablynothing,whichseemstobetheSignthattheuniverseoritsCEOissendingme.quot;Inthesummerof2001,WallacerelocatedtoClaremont,California,tobecometheRoyEdwardDisneyChairinCreativeWriting,atPomonaCollege.Hepublishedstoriesandessays,butwashavingtroublewithhiswork.AfterhereportedonJohnMcCains2000presidentialcampaignforthismagazine,hewrotehisagentthatitwouldshowhiseditorthatquot;Imstillcapableofgoodwork(myowninsecurities,Iknow).quot;WallacehadreceivedaMacArthurquot;geniusquot;awardin1997.quot;Idontthinkitdidhimanyfavors,quot;saysFranzen.quot;Itconferredthemantleofgeniusonhim,whichhehadofcoursecravedandsoughtandthoughtwashisdue.ButIthinkhefelt,NowIhavetobeevensmarter.quot;Inlate2001,CostellocalledWallace.quot;Hewastalkingabouthowhardthewritingwas.AndIsaid,lightheartedly,Dave,youreagenius.Meaning,peoplearentgoingtoforgetaboutyou.YourenotgoingtowindupinaWendys.Hesaid,AllthatmakesmethinkisthatIvefooledyou,too.quot;WallacemetKarenGreenafewmonthsaftermovingtoClaremont.Green,apainter,admiredDavidswork.Itwasasortofartisticexchange,aninter-disciplinaryblinddate.quot;ShewantedtodosomepaintingsbasedonsomeofDavidsstories,quot;hismothersays.quot;Theyhadamutualfriend,andshethoughtshewouldaskpermission.quot;quot;Hewastotallygaga,quot;Wrightrecalls.quot;Hecalled,headoverheels,hewastalkingaboutherasalife-changingevent.quot;FranzenmetGreenthefollowingyear.quot;IfeltinaboutthreeminutesthathedfinallyfoundsomebodywhowasuptothetaskoflivingwithDave.Shesbeautiful,incrediblystrong,andarealgrown-up—shehadacenterthatwasnotaboutlandingthegeniusDaveWallace.quot;TheymadetheirdebutasacouplewithWallacesparentsinJuly2003,attendingtheMaineculinaryfestivalthatwouldprovidethetitleforhislastbook,ConsidertheLobster.quot;Theywerebothsoquick,quot;hisfathersays.quot;Theywouldgetthingsandlookateachotherandlaugh,withouthavingtosaywhathadstruckthemasfunny.quot;Thenextyear,WallaceandGreenflewtohisparentshomeinIllinois,wheretheyweremarriedtwodaysafterChristmas.Itwasasurprisewedding.Davidtoldhismotherhewantedtotakethefamilytowhathecalledaquot;high-gussyquot;lunch.SallyWallaceassumeditwasKarensinfluence.quot;Daviddoesnotdohighgussy,quot;shesays.quot;HisnotionofhighgussyismaybelongpantsinsteadofshortsoraT-shirtwithtwoholesinsteadof18.quot;GreenandWallaceleftthehouseearlytoquot;runerrands,quot;whileAmyfiguredoutapretexttogettheirparentstothecourthouseonthewaytothelunch.quot;Wewentupstairs,quot;Sallysays,quot;andsawKarenwithabouquet,andDaviddressedupwithaflowerinhisbuttonhole,andweknew.Hejustlookedsohappy,justradiatinghappiness.quot;TheirreceptionwasatanUrbanarestaurant.quot;Asweleftinthesnow,quot;Sallysays,quot;DavidandKarenwerewalkingawayfromus.Hewantedustotakepictures,andJimdid.Davidwasjumpingintheairandclickinghisheels.Thatbecametheweddingannouncement.quot;AccordingtoWallacesfamilyandfriends,thelastsixyears—untilthefinalone—werethebestofhislife.Themarriagewashappy,universitylifegood,KarenandDavidhadtwodogs,WarnerandBella,theyboughtalovelyhouse.quot;Daveinarealhouse,quot;Franzensays,laughing,quot;withrealfurnitureandrealstyle.quot;ToFranzenseye,hewaswatchingWallacegrowup.TherehadbeeninDavidakindofpurposefulavoidanceofthenormal.Once,theydgonetoaliterarypartyinthecity.Theywalkedinthefrontdoortogether,butbythetimeFranzengottothekitchen,herealizedWallacehaddisappeared.quot;Iwentbackandproceededtosearchthewholeplace,quot;Franzenrecalled.quot;Hehadwalkedintothebathroomtoloseme,thenturnedonhisheelsandwalkedrightbackoutthefrontdoor.quot;Now,thatsortofthinghadstopped.quot;Hehadreasontohope,quot;Franzensaid.quot;Hehadtheresourcestobemoregrown-up,awholerperson.quot;Andthentherewerethedogs.quot;Hehadapredilectionfordogswhodbeenabused,andunlikelytofindotherownerswhoweregoingtobepatientenoughforthem,quot;Franzensays.quot;Whetherthroughasenseofidentificationorsympathy,hehadaveryhardtimediscipliningthem.Butyoucouldntseehisattentivenesstothedogswithoutgettingalumpinyourthroat.quot;BecauseWallacewassecure,hebegantotalkaboutgoingoffNardil,theantidepressanthehadtakenfornearlytwodecades.Thedrughadalonglistofsideeffects,includingthepotentialofveryhighbloodpressure.quot;IthadbeenafixtureofmymorbidfearaboutDave—thathewouldnotlastallthatlong,withthewearandtearonhisheart,quot;Franzensays.quot;IworriedthatIwasgoingtolosehiminhisearly50s.quot;CostellosaidthatWallacecomplainedthedrugmadehimfeelquot;filtered.quot;quot;Hesaid,Idontwanttobeonthisstufffortherestofmylife.Hewantedtobemoreamemberofthehumanrace.quot;InJuneof2007,WallaceandGreenwereatanIndianrestaurantwithDavidsparentsinClaremont.Davidsuddenlyfeltverysick—intensestomachpains.Theystayedwithhimfordays.Whenhewenttodoctors,hewastoldthatsomethinghedeatenmighthaveinteractedwiththeNardil.Theysuggestedhetrygoingoffthedrugandseeingifanotherapproachmightwork.quot;Soatthatpoint,quot;sayshissisterAmy,withanedgeinhervoice,itwasdetermined,Oh,well,gosh,wevemadesomuchpharmaceuticalprogressinthelasttwodecadesthatImsurewecanfindsomethingthatcanknockoutthatpeskydepressionwithoutallthesesideeffects.Theyhadnoideathatitwastheonlythingthatwaskeepinghimalive.quot;Wallacewouldhavetotaperofftheolddrugandthentaperontoanewone.quot;Heknewitwasgoingtoberough,quot;saysFranzen.quot;Buthewasfeelinglikehecouldfinallyaffordayeartodothejob.Hefiguredthathewasgoingtogoontosomethingelse,atleasttemporarily.Hewasaperfectionist,youknow?Hewantedtobeperfect,andtakingNardilwasnotperfect.quot;Thatsummer,DavidbegantophaseouttheNardil.Hisdoctorsbeganprescribingothermedications,noneofwhichseemedtohelp.quot;Theycouldfindnothing,quot;hismothersayssoftly.quot;Nothing.quot;InSeptember,DavidaskedAmytoforgoherannualfall-breakvisit.Hewasntuptoit.ByOctober,hissymptomshadbecomebadenoughtosendhimtothehospital.Hisparentsdidntknowwhattodo.quot;Istartedworryingaboutthat,quot;Sallysays,quot;butthenitseemedOK.quot;Hebegantodropweight.Bythatfall,helookedlikeacollegekidagain:longishhair,eyesintense,asifhehadjuststeppedoutofanAmherstclassroom.WhenAmytalkedtohimonthephone,quot;sometimeshewashisoldself,quot;shesays.quot;TheworstquestionyoucouldaskDavidinthelastyearwashowareyou?Anditsalmostimpossibletohaveaconversationwithsomeoneyoudontseeregularlywithoutthatquestion.quot;Wallacewasveryhonestwithher.Hedanswer,quot;Imnotallright.Imtryingtobe,butImnotallright.quot;Despitehisstruggle,Wallacemanagedtokeepteaching.Hewasdedicatedtohisstudents:Hewouldwritesixpagesofcommentstoashortstory,jokewithhisclass,fightthemtotryharder.Duringofficehours,iftherewasagrammarquestionhecouldntanswer,hedphonehismother.quot;Hewouldcallmeandsay,Mom,Ivegotthisstudentrighthere.Explaintomeonemoretimewhythisiswrong.Youcouldhearthestudentsortoflaughinginthebackground.HeresDavidFosterWallacecallinghismother.quot;InearlyMay,attheendoftheschoolyear,hesatdownwithsomegraduatingseniorsfromhisfictionclassatanearbycafe.Wallaceansweredtheirjitterywriters-futurequestions.quot;Hegotchokedupattheend,quot;recallsBennettSims,oneofhisstudents.quot;Hestartedtotellushowmuchhewouldmissus,andhebegantocry.AndbecauseIhadneverseenDavecry,Ithoughthewasjustjoking.Then,awfully,hesniffledandsaid,Goaheadandlaugh—hereIamcrying—butIreallyamgoingtomissallofyou.quot;Hisparentswerescheduledtovisitthenextmonth.InJune,whenSallyspokewithherson,hesaid,quot;Icantwait,itllbewonderful,wellhavebigfun.quot;Thenextday,hecalledandsaid,quot;Mom,Ihavetwofavorstoaskyou.Wouldyoupleasenotcome?quot;ShesaidOK.ThenWallaceasked,quot;Wouldyourfeelingsnotbehurt?quot;Nomedicationshadworked;thedepressionwouldntlift.quot;AfterthisyearofabsolutehellforDavid,quot;Sallysays,quot;theydecidedtogobacktotheNardil.quot;Thedoctorsalsoadministered12coursesofelectroconvulsivetherapy,waitingforWallacesmedicationtobecomeeffective.quot;Twelve,quot;Sallyrepeats.quot;Suchbrutaltreatments,quot;Jimsays.quot;Itwasclearthenthingswerebad.quot;Wallacehadalwaysbeenterrifiedofshocktherapy.quot;Itscarestheshitoutofme,quot;hetoldmein1996.quot;MybrainswhatIvegot.ButIcouldseethatatacertainpoint,youmightbegforit.quot;InlateJune,Franzen,whowasinBerlin,grewworried.quot;Iactuallywokeuponenight,quot;hesays.quot;Ourcommunicationshadarhythm,andIthought,ItsbeentoolongsinceIheardfromDave.quot;WhenFranzencalled,Karensaidtocomeimmediately:Davidhadtriedtokillhimself.FranzenspentaweekwithWallaceinJuly.Davidhaddropped70poundsinayear.quot;HewasthinnerthanIdeverseenhim.Therewasalookinhiseyes:terrified,terriblysad,andfaraway.Still,hewasfuntobewith,evenat10percentstrength.quot;FranzenwouldsitwithWallaceinthelivingroomandplaywiththedogs,orstepoutsidewithDavidwhilehesmokedacigarette.quot;Wearguedaboutstuff.Hewasdoinghisusuallineabout,Adogsmouthispracticallyadisinfectant,itssoclean.Notlikehumansaliva,dogsalivaismarvelouslygerm-resistant.quot;Beforeheleft,Wallacethankedhimforcoming.quot;Ifeltgratefulthatheallowedmetobethere,quot;Franzensays.Sixweekslater,WallaceaskedhisparentstocometoCalifornia.TheNardilwasntworking.Itcanhappenwithanantidepressant;apatientgoesoff,returns,andthemedicationhaslostitsefficacy.Wallacecouldntsleep.Hewasafraidtoleavethehouse.Heasked,quot;WhatifImeetoneofmystudents?quot;quot;Hedidntwantanyonetoseehimthewayhewas,quot;hisfathersays.quot;Itwasjustawfultosee.Ifastudentsawhim,theywouldhaveputtheirarmsaroundhimandhuggedhim,Imsure.quot;Hisparentsstayedfor10days.quot;Hewasjustdesperate,quot;hismothersays.quot;Hewasafraiditwasntevergoingtowork.Hewassuffering.Wejustkeptholdinghim,sayingifhecouldjusthangon,itwouldstraighten.Hewasverybraveforaverylongtime.quot;Wallaceandhisparentswouldgetupatsixinthemorningandwalkthedogs.TheywatchedDVDsofTheWire,talked.SallycookedDavidsfavoritedishes,heavycomfortfoods—potpies,casseroles,strawberriesincream.quot;Wekepttellinghimweweresogladhewasalive,quot;hismotherrecalls.quot;Butmyfeelingisthat,eventhen,hewasleavingtheplanet.Hejustcouldnttakeit.quot;Oneafternoonbeforetheyleft,Davidwasveryupset.Hismothersatonthefloorbesidehim.quot;Ijustrubbedhisarm.HesaidhewasgladIwashismom.Itoldhimitwasanhonor.quot;AttheendofAugust,Franzencalled.AllsummerlonghehadbeentellingDavidthatasbadasthingswere,theyweregoingtobebetter,andthenhedbebetterthanhedeverbeen.Davidwouldsay,quot;Keeptalkinglikethat—itshelping.quot;Butthistimeitwasnthelping.quot;Hewasfaraway,quot;Franzensays.Afewweekslater,KarenleftDavidalonewiththedogsforafewhours.Whenshecamehomethatnight,hehadhangedhimself.quot;Icantgettheimageoutofmyhead,quot;hissistersays.quot;Davidandhisdogs,anditsdark.Imsurehekissedthemonthemouth,andtoldthemhewassorry.quot;[FromIssue1064—October30,2008]