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来源：https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/2018/01/05/dylan-moran-like-totally-2006-full-transcript/DYLANMORAN:LIKE,TOTALLY…(2006)–FullTranscriptLadiesandgentlemen,pleasewelcometothestageDylanMoran!Hello!Hello!Yes,yes…hello.Hello,it’sverynicetobe…and…YoumayaswellbeinLondon…whileyou`rebeing.Fantasticplace.Cosmopolis.PeoplefromeverycorneroftheEarth,…everycreed,everyreligion,everyculturecomeheretovomitinminicabs.Sometimes,youknow,youmighttakeitforgranted,yousee,youmightgetthisnotionthatthere’sabetterlifeforyouelsewhere,becausethat’swhathappenstopeople…theygetstressedoutsomewherelikethis.Theythink:“youknowweshould…Idon’tknow…gotothecountry…somewhere…’SomewhereShirex27;”.It’saverybadidea.I…I…Igrewupinthecountry.Youdon’t…youdon’twannagothere.You’vegoteverythinghere.You’renotgonnarealizeyourdreamssomewhereelse.Youcandoitallhere.YoucouldbetrappedintrafficinTufnellParkfortwentyyears…Andyou’llneverhavethatexperienceanywhereelse.Youdon’twannagotothecountry,anyway.Mostofyouknownothingaboutit.Youtalkaboutitallthetime…youreadaboutitintheSundaysupplements.You’renevergoingtogo.Whywouldyougo?It’sadisgustingplace.It’salwayswetevenwhenit`sdry…There’snothingthere.Farmersaren’treallypeople.Youknowthis.They’rejustnecessary.Weneedsomebodytokillcows.Cowsaresupposedtobekilled.Enmasseaswell.Ihavethiscertainvery…well…limitedsympathywithvegetarians…Youknow…Idon’t…Idon’tmindifyou’revegetariancauseyouhadanaccidentorsomethingyearsago.Youfelldownsomestepsandnowyoucan’tchewproperly.Idon’tmindthat…butallthisvegetarian-on-principlestuffiswrong!You’resupposedtoeatthecows.They’rebiglumberingstupidthings…they’dbeeverywhereifwedidn’teatthem.Inthelibraryandeverything…Nobodyactuallywantedthemoriginally.Youknow,theywerejustmid-conversationthatkeptgettingbumpedintobythesecretins…Couldn’ttakeitanymore.“Givemeafuckin’fork,I’mgonnadealwiththis.”Whatpeoplereallywantaresquirrelsbutthey’retooquick.Don’tgotothecountry.Whenisthelasttimeyouspoketosomebodyfromthecountry?Haveyoueverhadaconversationwiththesepeople?–“Whatdidyoudotoday?”–“Ihadsomesoup.”–“Ohforfuck’ssake…getmeoutahere.“PleasegimmeacappucinobeforeIpassout.Ineedamugger.”“Ineedahealthyinjectionofcynicismrightnow.”Andofcoursethesepeoplearefriendly.…coursetheyare.Theytalktoyou.Theyhaven’tspokentoarealpersoninyears.Andtheybringyouintothehouseandtheydryallyourclothes…eventhoughyou’venotbeenintherainoranything.Andofferyouthelocalthing.“Youmusttrythelocalstuff.”Don’teatit!Youknowwhyit’slocal?It’sshit!That’swhyit’slocal.Ifyoueatit,you’llturnintooneofthem.Yougored,youstartspoutingbigotry…andeatingtweedwithlambfatdribblingdownyourchin.Don’tgonearofanyofthatstuff.Peoplesay:“I’mgonnago.It’llbegreat.”“We’llhaveasolarpaneltoilet….we’llgetthewholefamilythatched.”Rubbish!Andthenyougetthesearticlesabouthowunhealthymodernlifeisinacity.Youknow…yougetmobilephonetumours…farmorelikelyinthecity.Wellyouknowwhat?Soiseverythingelse.Includingsex,coffeeandconversation.Andtheconversationsaretotallydifferentaswell…there.You’resophisticatedpeople.Youmeetupeveryninemonths…tohaveacoffeewithsomebodyandbitchaboutyourbestfriendwho’snotthere.–“Ihatethem.”–“Ihatethemmorethanyoudo.”Heretheycome.–“Hi,howareya?”–“Doyouwantanimbacino?”Andinthecountryside…becausethere’snothingtodo…Doyouknowwhatpeopledothere?They…they…theygotoeachothers’houses,theycometoyourhouseanddrinktea.Allfuckingday.Theycrawlfortwelvemilestocomeanddrinktea.‘Causethere’snothingelsetodo.Andwhatpeopledothen…Ithasitsownkindofnativehostility.Youknow,theybringoutallthefoodinthehouseandputitinfrontofthatperson…andsay:“There,eatthat!”Because…becauseifyoudon’tputonagoodspreadyou’llbeill-spoken-ofinthevillage.Sopeoplebringoutnineteendifferentkindsofpotatoes.Sheetsofham.Wavesofham.Youtakeabiteoutofthemiddle,yousaveyourselfthepriceofaponcho.Theyputitinfrontofthatpersonandtheysay:“Fuckin’eatthat!”Andtheystaythereallday.Eateverythingyouhave.Drinkeverythingyouhave.Andtheyneverknowwhentogo.Youknow?They’renotsophisticated.Theysitthere.You’rethere…oneo`clockinthemorning…withthegrandfatherclockbetweenyourpyjama’dknees…staringatthemotherfuckerssaying:“Please,gohome!”Andyouendupsayingterriblethings:“Look,wedrankeverythinginthehouse…”“Idon’tthinkthatminicabiscoming…”“Iknowwehadeightorninebottlesofwineandhalfabottleofwhisky…”“butIthinkyoushoulddrive.Ido.”“Iwillpersonallysellotapeyourhandstothewheel.”“Getinthefuckin’car.Goawayfromhereplease.”Andthen,youknow,there’sthe…there’stheextremeversionofthatideaofescape.Peoplethinkthey’llemigrate,that’sit.Their…their…theirnewlifewillbesomewhereelse.“Muchbetterthanhere.Ican’ttakeitanymore.”Wherewouldyougo?People…peopleflingthemselvesallovertheplanet.PeopleendupinAustralia.Whywouldanybodywanttogothere?Whatisthepointofthatcountry?Iwas…Iusuallyneverleavethehousebut,weallwenttoAustraliarecently.Thewholefamily.Itwasaridiculousplace.Locatedthreequartersofamilefromthesurfaceofthesun.Peopleaudiblycracklingastheywalkpassyouonthestreet.That’swhytheyallbarbecue.Youdon’tneedtocooksomewherelikethat.Youjustbringtheshitout,flingitonagrill,anditburstsintoflames.It’snotsupposedtobeinhabited.Andwhenthey’renotdoingthat,fryingthemselvesoutside,…theyallflingthemselvesintothesea.Whichisinhabitedalmostexclusivelybythingsdesignedtokillyou.Sharks,jelly-fish,swimmingknives.They’reallinthere.Andthen,youknow,there’sthe…whereelse…There’sthe…thisisthenewworld….Youknow,andtheotherpartofthenewworldis…isAmerica.Andpeoplethink:“That’sgotalotofpromise.”Still…Eventhough,we’reallabitfunnyaboutAmericansnow….abit.Ithinkthereasonthathappened…allthatbadfeelingaboutAmerica…isapartfromeverythingthatthey’vedone…It’sbecauseAmericanstupidpeoplesound…stupiderthaneveryotherkindofstupidperson.Somepeoplearejustthickbutyouputupwiththem.ButAmericansareannoyingwhenthey’rethick.Becausetheysay:(accent)“Well,youknow,Iwas…”They’retalkingaboutoneofthoseterrible…incidentsthathappeneveryotherdayinAmerica.Theysay:(accent)“Well,youknow,Iwasthereandtheguycamein,…”“andhehad…like…agun,youknow,…”“andhewas…like…shooting,andeverybodyelsewastotallydead.”Itsoundsalittledivorcedfromrealitysomehow.SoIthinkthat’swhythere’sillfeelingabouttheplacesometimes.Becauseofeverythingtheadministrationhasdone.Youknow,it’slikethereallybadflatmateoftheworld.(accent)“Oh,sorry.DidIbreakallyourshit?Ididn’tknowitwasyours.”“Yeah,I’llreplaceitsometime…”“um…withmystuff.”And…becauseit’stheonlyremainingempire.Ofcourse,youhadanempireonce.Britainhadagreatempire.Andimpressivelycommandeeredandsequesteredfromtherestoftheworld…withgreatstyle.Youjustmarchedinandsaid:“You,youandyou,fuckoffoff!We’rehavingtiffin.”Andeverybodysortofwent:“Oh,right,I’llgonnabeoffnow.That’sfine.”Andittookcenturiesforpeopletogo:“Hangonaminute…”“Welivehere.”TheAmericanstyleistotallydifferent.Farmoreinsidious.Thisempireisrunonatotallydifferentbasis.WhatAmericadoes…isithasanosyinsomeplace…somewar-torn,fuckedupplace…anditlooksforoilorchocolateorwhateveritwants.Andalltheindigenouspeopleobviouslygetpissedoff.Andtheybegintomeet.Theybegintofoment.Theyringeachotherupandsay:(accent)“You,Habuwa,let’smeetandfoment…atsixo’clock.”Inthelocalbombed-outcafe,theygatherroundandtheysay:(accent)“Whatarewego…”I’mdoingapanglobalaccent,OK?Itsavestime.becauseAmericagetsaroundalotofplaces.“What’rewe…”Andthisrepresentspoverty.“Heylisten…”“Hey!Haguga,listen,…”“What’rewegonnado’boutthefuckin’imperialisticYankeebigdog,huh?What’rewegonnado?”“Theycomeinhere…theyfuckin’…theylookaround,theytakeourstuff.What’rewegonna…?”“I’mtalkin’toyou!Putdownthebeans!Listen,what’rewegonnado?”It’skindof…AlPacinofromChinaviaBrooklyn.Buttheem,…AndwhattheAmericadoes…whilethesepeoplearetalking,…theyvery,verygraduallybuildaStarbucksaroundthem.Theyallbecomeaddictedtolatteandtheylosethewilltorebel.AndthentheyturnintoAmericans…afteracoupleofweeks…thekindofpeoplewhocomeuptomeandsay:(accent)“Hi,I’mIrish.”“MygrandmotherwasO’Flaherty.Didyouknow‘er?”Ialwayssay:“Yes,yes,Idid…”“Butthenagaineverybodydid.”Butthat’saparticularkindofAmericanobviously.ThekindofAmericansyouseeinEurope…whooften,forsomereason,seemtobeverygenerouslyproportioned.Andthe…youseetheminmuseumsblockinguptheexhibitsgoing:“Whatisthis?Canweeatit?Wherearewe?Canwe…..”AndyetwhenyougotoAmericayouseethatit’savery,very…becauseit’ssocompetitiveandeverything.Peopleareultrafashionableandverythin,really.IthinktheAmericansyouseeinEuropearealltheones…whostayintheirapartments,getfoodpipedinandthenthey’rejustshippedouttoEurope.Buttheonesoverthere…Youseetheseamazinglookingpeople.Theydon’tlookrealatall.Theseincrediblyexiguouswomen.Youknow,thosepeoplewholookliketheycan’tsupporttheweightoftheirownteethandtheirhead.Stalkinginandoutoffashionablerestaurants.Idon’tknowwhattheydointhere.Maybetheyjustrubpestoontheirlegsorsomethingand…Youknow,theylookliketheyweighasmuchasaphotographofthemselvesand…and…Veryfashionconscious.Butpeoplehavethisideathatit’s…thatit’sstillthepromisedland.Youknow,somewherelikeCaliforniawhereeverythingisfruitfulandabundant.But…ArnoldSchwarzenegger…istheGovernorofCalifornia.There’saperfectlyordinaryEnglishsentence.Howdidthathappen!?Doyouknowhowthathappened?’causeI’lltellyou.Youknowhowhegotintothatposition?Hegotthere…byliftingthings.Nowyouandme,weavoidliftingthings.It’sunpleasant.Especiallyheavythings.Evenafive-year-oldchildknowsthis.Theygo:“Huh?No…hahaha…fuckit…no.IgonnaputaLegoupmyarse.I’mnotdoingthat.No…no.”Hetookadifferentapproach.Heliftedtheheavy…andyouknow,youliftsomethingwhenyouhaveto.Pianofallsongranny…youliftthepiano.‘Causegrannyhasmixedfeelingsaboutthewholesituation.Sundaylunchcontinues.Hedidn’tdoanyofthat!Hewentrightovertotheheavythingandliftedit…andputitbackdownanddidn’tmoveitanywhere.Andthenhelifteditagain…hundredsoftimes.Andsaidtothepeoplewhohadstoppedtoobservethisaberrantbehaviour.“LookhowgoodIam…”“atliftingtheheavything…”“inmyunderpants.”Nowthat…soundsalittledim.Butitwastheywhosaid:“You’retheman.”“You’retheonewewanttodealwithimmigrationandwaterratesandtaxesandallthatkindofshit.”Now,wait…whatweneedtoknowishowbadwashispredecessoratthatjob?Youknow,thismusthavebeensomeonewhocametoworkcoveredinchildren’sbloodeverymorning.Hedrivesoneofthesevehicles,youknow,thesethingsthey’recalledHummers.Youknow?It’slikeabigfour-wheel-drivething.Huge.Howsmalldoesyoucockhavetobe?Tomakeyouwalkintoacarshow-roomandsay:“Listen,Ineedsomethinginthesizeofaschool…”“…sopeopleknowI’maround.”Asifdrivingwasn’talreadyaggressiveenough.Youseepeoplebehindthewheelsandthesethings.Theychange,…youknow,inthosebigbuilt-upvehicles.YouhavethemhereinLondon,youknow.Becauseit’sdifficultobviously…thecoffee’sononesideofthestreet,youhavetogetyournewspaperfromtheother.It’stough,Iknow.Peoplechange,theygetbehindthewheelofthosethings.Theylosetheabilitytodistinguishbetweenanemptypacketofcrispsandyourchildren.Drivingisincrediblyaggressive.Istartedtolearnrecently.Idon’tknow…Idon’tknowhowtodriveandit’sfairlypathetic,youknow,’causeI’m…I’mthirty…nearlythirty-five.It’sridiculous.AndthenIstartedgettingnervous’causeIcan’tswimeitherandIthought,“WhatifIcrashintoalake?Iam$%%%!$!”Youlearnvery,veryquicklythatitismostlyaboutswearingactually.That’sallyou’redoing…swearinginaboxwithwheels.’causeyoudon’tswearlikethatwithanyotheractivityinyourday.Youdon’tallowyourself.It’sokwhenyou’redrivingforsomereason.Ifsomebodyblocksyouwhenyou’reawalkingYou’repositivelyEdwardianinyourmanners.Youdothissheepishlittlesmiletogether.Andyoustepaside.Andyoubothdoitatthesametime.Andyougo:(accent)“Oh,forgoodness’ssake,whatto-do?”“Hohoho,dearme!”“I’lljust…er…I’lljust…oh,wediditagain!Doyoubelieveit.Ican’tbelieveit…”“Weshouldbeonthestage…”“Onemoretime…I’lljust…Oh,howdidweevergetthisfarasspecies?”Butforsomereason…inacarthatbecomes:“Youspokebuggered!”From,youknow,aneighty-nineyear-oldchurchwarden.(coughs)Excuseme,Ihavea…something…it’llclearup.Itmighttakemewithitbut,youknow,we’llsee…Andallthisaggressionisterribleactually.Youseethateverywhere.Peoplehave…youknow…youthinkyou’remadattheothermotoristinthatcase.Probablysomethingelse.Youknow…it’sprobablysomethinginyourownpastthatyou’reprobably…Idon’tknow…madatyourmotherorsomething.That’swhyyoufindyourselfasaforty-fiveyearoldpersononthestreetshouting.Theremustbeastorybehindallthosepeopleyouseemumblingonthestreet,havingthoseintenseconversationsthatlookreally,reallysignificantexceptnobodyelseisthere…and…Youknow,you’reprobablymadatsomething…Idon’t…Becauseeverybodyremembers:you’dbealoneinthekitchenand…twilightwouldbedwindlingandyoucouldhear…thefar-offcriesoftheotherchildrenplayingnearby…andyouknow…you’dbealoneinakitchen’causeitwasyourspecialtreattime…whenthe…thejellywouldcomeoutjustforyou…andyourmotherwouldappearatyourside…justthisvisionofLauraAshleyprintdress…smellingofmagnoliasandbiscuits…and…putthejellyinfrontofyou…and…and…andyouwouldpullyourchairin…andthentheold-fashionedbarofice-creamwouldcomedown,theonethathadtobecutwithabreadknifebeforethetwosideswereflankedwithwafers…andyouwouldliftyourlittlespoonupexcitedlytopressitin…andwinkleoutthatfirstdivotofblackjellyand…andandthenthecagewouldcomedown!ThecagewiththeJapanesefightingspidersinside.Shewouldstrikeamatchoffherforearm…andgoandtellyoutodanceinthefrontroomformoney.Andyouneverforgetthatshit.Youknow,itnevergoesaway.But…thisideaofthegoodlifebeingelsewheredoespossesspeople.AndIsupposealotofpeoplenow…becauseEuropeisfreedupandeverything…peoplemovewithinGermany…alotof…withinEuroperather…ImeanIsaidGermanybutImeantEurope.Idon’tknowwhyIsaidGermanybutloadsofpeopledidgotoGermanyactually,recentlyfortheWorldCup.AlotofEnglishpeoplewentovertomakeuninformedprejudicialremarks…aboutGermanpeopleandGermany.Totallyignorantandbigoted.Knownothingaboutit…buttheyfeelfreetoinsultit.Becausethey’reEnglishandthey’rebigoted…and…becauseGermanyisatoilet.Atrulydreadfulplace.Nobodyeverhasanyreasontogothere.Itis…itisatotallydreadfulplace.Andthat’sjustthewayitis…becauseifyou’retalkingtoa,youknow,amodern…Iwentthere.OnthesameweekendIwenttoAustraliaandCaliforniaandit’sa…yousee,thethingisyou’retalkingtoamodern,nice,affable,Germanperson…andthey’resayingtoyousomethinglike:(accent)“Youknow,well,it’sacriticaltimerightnowforGermanywithinEurope,…”“alsoglobally…economicallywe’reprettygood.Wehavebeenbetter.”“Butwe’reveryvibrantinthetheatreandartsandsoon…”Allthetimeyou’relisteningtothis,you’rethinking:“Hmmm…hmmm…yeah,yeah,hmmm,hmmm…Hitler…Hitler…Hitler…Hitler…”“andtheHitlerwhenyoudidtheHitlerthingwithHitler...Hitler…Hitler…Hitler…”Andthepeoplelooklikepork.Youcan’tgetawayfromthat.Theydo.Theylooklikeporkscratchingsonatowel.Andyoucan’teatthefoodbecauseyouwouldhavetocomplainaboutit…andthatwouldmeanspeakingGerman.It’sadisgustinglanguage.Nobodyshouldeverspeakit.EvenHitlerwasvegetarian.That’showbadthefoodis.Andyoucouldn’tspeakGerman’causeit’sahorriblesound.Itsoundsliketypewriterseatingtinfoilbeingkickeddownastairs.SomebodyistalkingtoyouinGerman,they’resaying:(accent)“Hakendiehaken…(etc)”Youthink:“Whatishappeningtoyoufrombehind?”“Howcanwemakeitstop?Please,goaway.”Now,that’snot…prejudice,that’sjustobservation.Andthe…thingisEnglishpeopleareverybigoted,though,Ifind.IsaythatasaneutralIrishperson.Youknow,Irelandwasn’tinvolvedinthewaratall.Ireland’sreactioninthewarwastogo:“What?There’sawhaton?Sorry,what?I’mnotdressed.”“Whatisit?What?“youwanttowhat?Youneed…youneeda…what?”“Whatis…?War?It’sallover,isit?Orwill…good…yeah.”“Whatdoyouwant?”Notveryuseful.ButEnglishpeoplearequiteprejudiced,Ithink.BecauseI’venoticedthisrecently.’causeIhavelotsofEnglishfriendswhoareverydeartomeand…Irealizedrecently…whenyou’retalkingtoanEnglishperson…andyou’refromelsewhere,theysharewithyou.Theydoalovelything…whenthey’retalkingtoyou.They…theyimpersonateyouasthey’retalkingtoyou.Somebodysaystome:(accent)“Doyouwantanotherdrinkthen?”Youknow,inthatEnglishvoicethatsuggeststhey’rejustabouttodieatanymoment.–“Doyouwantanotherdrink?”–“Iwould.I’dloveanotherdrink.That’dbegreat.That’dbegrand.Thankyou.”Theydoyou.Theygo:–(accent)“Iwould,yeah,That’dbegreat.That’dbegrand.That’dbelovely.”–“Whatthefuckareyoudoing?!”–(accent)“Nothing.It’sjustfunny’causeyou’reIrishandthat,youknow…”’causethat’sstillhowIrishpeopleareseen.Astwinkly-eyedfuckerswithapigundertheirarm…highsteppingaroundtheworldgoing:“Illpaintyourhousenowbutwatchout,Imightstealtheladder,hohohoho.”Whichisonlyhalftrue!ThethingisthoughthatIrishpeoplearejustfarmoreemotional.Weincludeemotioninourculture.Ifyou’retalkingtoanEnglishperson…youdon’tknowifthey’verecentlydiedorjustgotmarried.’causeofthatEnglishsmile…(accent)“Hello,hello.”Lookslikeyou’vearottenoysterunderyourtongue.“Hello.Goodmorning.Don’ttouchme.Stayaway.Howareyou…?Hello.”And…Eitherthatorwhenemotiondoesappearit’sviolent.Theycomeandplayfootballwithyouandriptheshitoutofthestadiumandeatthechairs.WhereasinIrel…somewherelikeIreland…it’smorehot-blooded.There’sdramaincludedinthefabricofeveryday.Every…it’sthereeverymoment.Peoplewakegoing:“Ohgod!…”“Whattimeisit?”“It’ssixminutestonine.”“Isit?”“Ithoughtitwasonlysevenminutesto.We’reallfucked”“What’stheweatherlike?Don’ttellme!Ican’tbeartohear.I’lllookmyself…”“Aaagh!It’sfierce–mild!”“Whatarewehavingforbreakfast?Areyougonnadothatthingagain…”“withthebreadwhenyouputitintheboxandburnit?”“Whosetrousersarethese?Comeon,we’llbothtrythematonce…”“andseewhowins.”It’sjust…muchmoreemotionalatalltimes.Fornorealreason.AndIthinksometimesI’dlovetobelikeyou.Coolandcalmandunemotional.Protestant,inshort.Whata…it’safantasticreligion.Itmakesabsolutelynodemandsuponyouatall.Whichiswhyit’snotagreatreligion.Allgreatreligionsarebuiltonshame.Youdon’thaveanyofthatifyou’reprotestant.Yougotothechurch,yousingafewhymns,…haveacupoftea,everybodygoeshomeandhasawank.Yousee…Youhavethefreedomofmind…towalkintoaroomandseeaplateofbiscuits,say.Andyoulookatthemandyouthink:“Well,there’saplateofbiscuits,Imighthaveabiscuit,Imightnot,…”“Imighthaveonelater.Imightputitinmypocketandgiveittosomebodyelse.”“Idon’treallymind.It’sjustabiccie.”It’snotlikethatifyou’recatholic.Youwalkintheroom,youseetheplateofbiscuits,therecouldbeotherthingsgoingonintheroom.Theroomcouldbeonfire,itcouldbefullofnakedclownskillingeachotherwithcrossbows.Thisdoesn’tmattertoyoubecauseallyouseeistheplateofbiscuits.’causeyouthink:“Ohno,I’mgonnaeatthem.IknowIam.”“I’mgonnaeatthem.I’mgonnaeatthemall.Ohno,IknowIam.”“I’mevenwalkingtowardsthem.Iwasn’tawareofthatbutIamnow.”“I’veactuallystartedtoeatthebiscuits.Helpme!Helpme!”“Ohthey’redelicious.Ohtheshame!Theshame!Theshame!”“OhIcan’ttellwhichisnicer.”“Thebiscuitsortheshame!”“It’sachild’sbiscuit.That’sperfect!”“Idon’tdeserveagrown-uponewithdarkchocolateonit.”“Oh,they’resonice.Now,they’reallgone.”“Theshame!Theshame!That’sallI’vegotleft.”“Nothingcanmakemefeelbetternow…”“exceptcocaine.”Onandonandon.Andyet,peoplestillturntoJesus.Youwillnoticethoughthatthekindofpeople…whoturntoJesus…tendtobethesortofpeoplewhohaven’tdonethatwellwitheverybodyelse.Likethepeoplewhoarehere,forinstance.Theysaytothemselves:“Well,Ican’tgetitrightinthislifetimebutinthenextlifeit’llberight.”Inthespiritualafterlife.Whichmakesnosenseatall…really.It’syourchoiceofcourseifyouwanttobelieveallthis…butwhywouldyouwantaspiritualafterlife?Surelyyoushouldsortthespiritoutnowwhileyou’rehere.Thisspiritiswhatischallenged,thespiritiswhatsuffersalltheknocks.Thespiritisthethingyou’vegottomaster.Ifyouaregoingtohaveanafterlifewhynotjusthaveaphysicalafterlife?Justcomebackasatentacleandasetoflips…lookingforhugelumpsofchocolatetofuck?It’dbeenmuchmore…youknow,reasonable.’causethefactis,youpropyourselfupwithyourcompulsionsallthetime.I’m…I’mquiteacompulsiveperson.Ionlyworkedthisoutrecently.I’mcompulsivebutI’malsoveryindecisive.Idon’tknowwhatIwantbutIknowthatIwantitnow…and…Ithoughtforages,youknow,everybodywaslikethis.Ithoughteverybodywokeupacoupleofmorningsaweek…intheshowerwithMarmite-clottedhandcuffs…butapparentlynot.Youknow,therearesensiblechoicesobviously.Idon’ttakeloadsofdrugs…’causeit’stedious.Everythingbecomestooroutine.Youtakethedrugs,youstaythereforninehoursgoing:“nnnnnn”Thenyourunoutof“nnnnnnn”andyouhavetogoandbuymore.It’sjustthisendlesscycleofrepetition.Idon’tgetit.And..um…youknow,youcan’t…youcan’t…youcangetaddictedtoallsortsofthings……exceptfruit.ButJesusisn’taverygoodrolemodelforchildren,Idon’tthink.Youknow,they’dbefarbetterofwithsomebodywho’slesswhiny.Hedidcomplainanawfullot,Jesus.–“Oh,nails!Oh,vinegar!”–“You’rethemessiah,getonwithit.”“Wouldyoustop?”Batmanisafarmoreusefulrole-modelforchildren.Hewasorphanedaswell…hedidn’tmoanaboutit.HewenttoTibetanddidpress-upsandthings…withbunsenburnersandcamebackandputontheearsand…gotupontheroofreadyforanything…dealingwithhisownpersonalissues.Jesusmoanedallthetime.You’llseethisinthepictures,pointingoutsideofthepicture.Inallthecatholiciconography,pointing:“Iwantthatone.What’shegot?He’sgotcreamonthese.Iwantthat.Whatisthat?”Orblamingpeople:“Itwashim.Hehurtmyfeelings.”But…anyway…Now…ImeanttotalkaboutsomethingelseearlieronandIforgotwhatitwas.I’verememberedwhatitisagainbutI’vealsoforgotten.Andthat’sreallywhatadulthoodislikemostofthetime.Youknowyouspendalotoftimewalkingbacktotheroom…togetthethingthatyoulefttheroomsothatyouwouldgoanduseitsomewhereelseand…you’reonyourwaybacktotheroomtogetthething.Youforget…notonlywhatitisbutwhatroomitwasinand…you’refacedwiththepeoplewholoveyoulookingatyougoing:–“Whatdoyouwant?Whyareyouhere?”Andyougo:–“Idon’tknow.”Youspendanawfullotoftimelikethat.Andchildrenaren’tlikethat,…whichiswhytheylooksoyoung.Becausetheyalwayshaveasenseofstyleandpurpose.Whenthey’rewalkingaroundtheyhaveaverydefinitepurpose.They’rewalking,walkingandit’sagreatwalkaswell.It’snotanadultsortofbemusedshuffle.It’sthat:–“I’mgoingoverhere.”Yousay:–“Whyareyougoingoverthere?”–“’causeIhaveaharmonica.”–“Whatareyoudoingwiththeharmonica?”–“I’mgoingtoputitinthetoilet.”And…–“Whyareyoudoingthat?”–“Enoughquestions!Goodbye.”Becausechildrenexpressthemselves.That’showtheylookyoungandvibrantandalive.Andwhyweallenvythem.Thechild,youknow,thechildrenare…are…canbeincrediblydifficulttounderstandwhenyou’regrown-up.Youforgetthatyouwereachild.Somethingsimplelikeachildgoingtobed.Youknow,yousay:“Bedtime,bedtime,bedtime.”That’snotwhatthechildhears.Whatthechildhearsis:“Liedowninthedark!”“Forhours!”“Anddon’tmove!”“I’mlockingthedoornow.”Sothechildhastroublewiththatsoofcourseyoumakeaconcession,youreadafairytaleorsomething.Youknow,allthewisdomoftheworldcompactedintolittlestory.Andyousay:“TherewasalittlegirllostMany,manymilesfromhome.”“Walkingthroughthewoodslate,lateatnight…”“withthecreaturesallhootingandhowlingandthebushesaroundandstepping…”allovertherootsoftrees.Andshecametotheoldstyandbegantoclimbit…”“butitbroke,yousee,itbroke…”“andshefelldown.”“Butwhenshegotherselfupshewasalright…”“andyoucouldseethelightsathome.Andshebegantowalktowardshome…”“andthenathingateher.”“Goodnight!”–“Night-night.”Youprobablysentthechildtobedbecauseyouwerejusttiredtalkingtothechild.’causethechildasksyouquestions,yousee?Andthisisoneofthegreatthingsabouthavingachild.Youlookforwardtoteachingthischildabouttheworld…andhowitworks.Butthechild..child…children..thechild-ren…child-renare…they’relikechildrenbutthey’rebiggerandthey’rewebbed.They…they’renotreallyinterestedinyourviewsontheworld.Youknow,theyhavetheirownquestions:–“Whatisthenameofthespacesinbetweenthebitsthatstickoutonacomb?”–“Idon’t…Idon’tknow.I’mnot…I’mnotsure.”–“Whatdoyoucalledtheplaceunderneaththekettle?”–“Idon’tknow!Bedtime!Bedtime!”Butit’sdifficult.Childrensleepinyourbed.Thisispartofhavingchildren.It’sveryimportantforachild’sdevelopmenttosleepinthegrown-ups’bed.Becausetheir…theirbonesaregrowinginparticulardirections.Youseewhathappensischildrenareactuallyverysophisticated.Theysleepinyourbedforareason.Thechildisborn,ittakesalookaroundandthinks:“Well,thisisn’tquitewhatI’dhopedfor.”“Thesepeopleareidiots.”“Iwouldn’thavepaintedthehouselikethisatall.”“ButI’vegottomakethebestofitsohowdoI…”“I’vegottomaximizemyresources…”“sothekeythingistostopthesepeoplehavinganymorechildren.”Sochildrengeturinesamplessentthroughthepostandsprinkleitontheirbeds.They’rebusypeople.Theydon’thavetimetopeethebedsthemselves.Andtheycrawlintoyourbed.Andbecausetheirbonesaregrowingandeverythingtheycanonlysleepincertainpositionsobviously.Thecrucifixandtheswastikatendtobethemostpopular.Sometimesacombinationofthetwo.Butthethingthatreallyrelaxesachildistohavetheirbigtoenailslodgedsquarelyinyourrespectivegenitalia.Thatensuresablissfulnight’sslumber.Thenthesexualkidnappingiscomplete.“Notouchy-touchy,nokissy-kissy.”“Youtwoneedslotsofsleep.Ihavemanyquestionsfortomorrow.”Veryimportant!Butyoulosesomuchofthatnatural,humanpanachethatchildrenhave.Youknow,youtellthechildtogotobedanditputsthatagainstwhatitwantstodo…andsynthesizes.Andsays:“Ihateyou!”“Ireallyhateyou!”Asthey’rescratchingtheirarsewithatoyelephant.Now…ifyoucouldretainthatsenseofselfinyouradultlifeyou’dhavetotallydifferentexperience.Atworktellingyourboss:“Ihateyou!”Whilescratching.“Ireallydo.Everydayisthesame! $%$!%@@.Idon’tknowwhyIkeepcomingback.”Difficulttokeepaholdofthough.That’swhyadultsareconfusedalotofthetime.Adultsareterriblyconfused,messed-uppeople.That’sbecausetheyforgetreally.Theydon’thavetopretendallthetime.Reallythefactisyou’renotanadultatall,…you’rejustatallchildholdingabeer…havingaconversationyoudon’tunderstand.TheMiddle-East…“Yeah,Iknowitwasreallybad.Yeah,Iwouldn’thavedonethat,yeah.”Hysterectomy…“Verypainful.Theshoulderisverypainfularea…”Beingintimidated…Igetintimidatedbymen,byothermen.Youknow,weweretalkingaboutthedrivinglessons,thereareguystalkinginpubsaboutmachinesandcars.There’sawholecultureofthat.They’retalkingaboutthegrenumbulatorOntheirwhinnywaxonthecar.Andtheyturntomeandtheygo:–“Whatkindofcarhaveyougot?”–“Idon’tknowbutwhenI’vegotone…”“it’sgonnabeablueone.Hahaa!”Manarealwaysintimidatingoneanother,competingwithoneanother.They’remoreaggressiveIsuppose.Theydidthis…er…studyactually…intheUniversityofChicago…withwomen.Andtheyworkedoutthatwomenareincrediblygoodatreadingmalefaces.Youknow,there’stwotypesapparently.There’sakindofround,soft,sensitive-facedperson…who’sagoodpersontohavearound.Andhe’sgoodforyou,goodforafamily.Gentleandcaringandcanemphatize.Andthenthere’stheothertypewhichismore…kindofstrongerjawed,moremasculinelooking…smallereyes,…youknow,KingKongiswhatwe’retalkingabouthere.Andthis…interestingly,thiswasthekindofmalefavouredbywomenforwhatwascalledinthestudy‘briefrelationships’.Whatthe*!%*isthat?Whenwedon’thavetorollyourtightsdownthewholeway.Whatisabriefrelationshipexactly?NowI’mtalkingaboutallthisobviously,I’mtalkingaboutchildrenandallthatkindof,youknow,jobs,mentioningthesethingstopretendtoyouthatIhaveanordinarylife.AndthisisbecauseI’m…youknow…relatingtoyou…andyou’reordinarypeople…lookingupatmewithamixtureofawe,envyandlust.Andthethingis…mylifeisverydifferent.Ican’tpretendit’snot.Youknow,whenyougotoworkinthemorningandyou’regoingtothenewsagency…andeverythingtogetyourlunchofcrispsandfagsorstones…orwhateveritisyoupeopleliveon…Youknow,it’salongtimesinceIhaslivedinahouseoratefood..Yousee,allthesemagazinesbecauseofthetimesweliveinnow,theculture…youknow…thiscelebritystuff…allthese…thiswallofdreamsbehindyou…it’s,youknow,BradandAngelinaandmeandeverybodyelseupthere…lookingdownonyou,makingyoufeelevenmoreordinary.Butwhatyouforgetisthatweallwanttobeyou.Weallwanttohave,youknow,2.3childrenandliveinahousewherenobodyspeakstooneanother…andworkinabuildingsocietyorsomething.Welieawakeatnighttossingandturning,masturbatingwithbothhands…withboutiquechocolatesfallingoutofourmouths,…wishingwecouldbeyoulivingsomewherelikeWillesden.And…It’sdoublydifficultforme’causeI’manIrishcelebrity.That’sveryhardgig,youknow.’causenotmanypeopledoit.Therearen’tverymanyofthem…andnoneofthemarecool.YoulookatGeldoforBonooranything…theycan’tdocool.Youput,youknow,BowieorLouReedonthecoverofTimemagazine…ofcoursetheylookcool.’causetheycandoallthatstuff…allthoselooks.Youknow,theonesthatsay:“Idon’tevenknowyou’rethere…”“butifIdidI’dignoreyou.”“I’mhavingpeopleflowninfromothergalaxiesjusttocomeandscratchme.”Youcan’tdothatifyou’reIrishbecauseyouhavea…theface.Youknow,andanIrishfacealwayslookslikeit’sbeentoldtwoveryimportantpiecesofinformationatthesametime.Atoneshouldersomebody’sjustrunupandsaid:“You’vejustwonahundredmillionthousandpoundsandloadsofstuff.”Andattheothershouldersomebody’sjustwhisperedintheirear:“Butyouonlyhavethreeminutestolive.”That’swhyeverybodylookslikethis:Allthepoliticiansandeverybodyyouseeontelevisionalways…looklikethey’rejustabouttopullahamsandwichoutoftheirpocket…anditdoesn’tactuallybelongtothem.Ladiesandgentlemen,thatisthefirstbit.I’mgonnagoawayandI’llseeyouinalittle…Thankyou.Bye.[INTERVAL]Ladiesandgentlemen,pleasewelcomebacktothestageDylanMoran!You’retheman!(Heckle)That’sright.(heckle)Thankyouforsharing.Now…–Tellusastory!(heckle)What’sthat?–Tellusastory!(heckle)–Iappreciateeverythingyou’vedone.Ilovedyourearlywork,Ithinkit’sonlygettingbetter.SoIwastalkingaboutsomething…andthenIstopped.Andyouagreed…weleftitthere.Butnow,thethingistogettoit…whatIreallymeantsaywas…youknow,youprobablyallwentandgotadrinkandeverythingintheinterval…and,youknow,werepropulsedalongbyyourownneeds…havingthemfilled.Whichiswhatwedo.Somepeoplelike…somepeoplearetakingpicturesonphones.Idon’t…why…whypeopledothat…It’sveryweird…Everybodydoesthatnow.Wealltakepic…youdothesamewithholidayphotos.Yourecordsomethingtolookbackonit.Eventhoughyou’renotreallytherewhenyou’retakingthepicture…’causeyou’retoobusyrecordingit…soyouretrospectivelygoingtolookbackonwhereyouweren’t…andtellyourselfyouhadagoodtime.And…butthat’swhatholidayphotosare,aren’tthey?Yougoaway,youcomeback,…yousay:“Look!It’s…”Youshowyourfriends:–“Look!It’s…it’sus.”–“Iknow.”–“Yeah,butlook,we’reeatinghummus.”–“Whatatransformation.”–“Ihopeyouenjoyedyourselves.”Because…you…that’swhatyou’retellingyourself.It’syourrewardtogoaway.It’sstillthetimeofyearpeoplearegoingaway.Andyoucan’treallyenjoyit.It’sveryhardanyway.There’stheonlyoneairlineservicingtheworldnow–AirDenial…whereeverybodygetsonandtheypretendthey’reinacafe…wherethey’retryingtoshutouttheonethoughtthathasactuallykidnappedtheirmind,whichis:“We’reallgonnadie.”Andyoupretendyou’reinacafeandthat’swhatthepeoplearethere,whoworkontheplanes…aresupposedtosupportyouinthisfantasycostheycomealongandtheysay:“Wouldyoulikeredorwhitewine…”“withyourpieceofvulcanizedlizzard’s*$*!fromthemoon?”“Howaboutanextrabreadrolltheretodipinyourottervomitpate?”Andyougo:–“Redorwhitewine?Whatyou’regonnahavedarling?”–“Idon’tknow.Whatareyougonnahave?”Alltoshutouttheonethoughtwhichisinyourmind,whichis:“We’regonnadie!We’reallgonnadie!We’reallgonnadie!Rightnow.”“Theplaneismadeofmetal,thewingsaremadeofmetal,…”“we’realleatingandI’mtheonlynon-terroristaboard.”“We’reallgoingtodie!”Andyoukindof…theonlyenjoyablebitactuallyaboutbeingupthere…is…isifyouhaveafamily…you’rewithyourchildren…andyougettoseetheyoungpersonyouusedtobesittingafewrowsaheadofyou…who’llalwaysobligeyoubyturningaroundandgivingyouthatscowlinglook.’causeyourchildreactingtoairpressure…isexpressingthemselvesbygoing:“.ablkasdkfjasdf..”Andtheylookarounddisapprovingly…asthoughyou’regoingtoclockthatlookandgo:“Ohsorry,I’llslittheirthroat.”“…afterallyoupaidforbusinessandyou’reabusy,busyguy,aren’tyou?”Youkindofpropyourselfupwithallthosethings,…youknow,holidaysandstuff.Especiallyinthispartoftheworld.Whenpeoplegetdepressedheretheydon’treallyhandleitverywell.Inotherculturestheydosomethinguseful.Youknow,theyhavearaindanceortheythrowstonesononeanotherorsomething.Buthere,whenpeoplegetpissedofftheygo:“Ican’tcarryon,Idon’tunderstandmylifeanymore,…”“Idon’tknowwhatI’mdoing.Ican’t! $%$!handleit,Ican’tdealwithanything…”“includingthesecornflakes.Ijustdon’tknowwhat’sgoingon.”“I’mf…Ican’tdoit.”“Ahah…*!%*it,I’llbuyaCD.”“I’llgetaCDandajacket!*!%*everybody!”But…becauseyou’reoutofyourmind,notfeelingwell,…yougoandyoubuystuffyoudidn’treallywantanyway,…youknow,‘TheEcuadorianWomen’sFolkChoirDoingTheSongsofKennyRogers’…andyoubringitback,somecanaryyellowjacketwithpurplebuttonsupthefront…andyoulookatthisandyouthink:“Whatisthe%@@?”“WhatwasIthinking?”So,youtakeittoacharityshop.Thatgenerallyistheextentofourcharity.Wegiveawayallthe%@@weneverneededorwantedinthefirstplace.Andthat’swhycharityshopsthemselveshavethatincrediblefunkofdepression.Thatlayeredsmellandallthewomenwhoworkinthereareahundredandthree.And…theyweretwentywhentheyturnedupforworkthatmorning,…theyjustagedinthesmell.Presumablyaswelltherearepeoplegoingintothoseshopsaswellwhothink…whentheylookatthestufftheygo:“Thatmirrorintheshapeofacello…”“coveredinseashellsisa! $%$!bargain.Doyouhaveanymoreofthose?”“Doyou?Ineedaboutten.”Sowhattakesyououtofthat?Whatwillgetyouawayfromallthat?Alltheinteriorityyoudon’tneed.Childrenareverygoodactuallyforthat.Teachingyouabouttheworld.Peeingonyou.It’shardtofeelsorryforyourselfandyourpast…ifyouwakeupwithsomebodysittingonyourface…saying:“I’mhungry.”Butyouknow,you…women…womenaremoresupportiveofoneanotheraroundchildren.Ifawomangetspregnant,youknow,otherwomenpitchinandtheysortoftalkaboutit…andit’sfarmoreuseful,youknow,men,whenmenareabouttohaveachild,…iftheyhaveyoungmalesinglefriends,they’renot…they’renotsogood.Youknowthis.Youknow,yourmalefriendsarriveandtheystandthereandtheylookatyouandtheycomeandseethebaby…andtheydon’treallyknowhowtodealwithit.Youknow,theydon’tgetit’causetheygo:“Well,I’mhere,youknow,yourhouseisamedleyofdisgustingsmells,…”“there’snothingtoeat,everybody’swearingbathrobes,…”“there’snobar,Ican’t*!%*anybody,whyamIhere?”Womentendtobemoremature.Youknow,menlookatbreaststhewaywomenlookatbabies.“Aww,isn’tthatlovely?”Andthey…ifawomangetspregnantallthewomenshe’severmetinherwholelife…willappearfromallcornersoftheearthtosupporther…bytellingherhorrorstoriesofallthepregnanciesthey’veeverheardabout.“It’sfantasticwhatyou’redoing.Ilovethewayyou’rehandlingthis.”“Itwon’tbelikewhathappenedtoMichelle.”–“What?WhathappenedtoMichelle?”–“Oh,didIsayMichelle?Ididn’tmeantomentionthat,I’msorry.Don’tworry.”“Shewasafool.Sheatevegetablesanddrankwater.”“Thebabycameoutherear.You’llbefine.”“You’llbeabsolutelyfine.Nothingwillhappentoyou.”“Shecan’tsitdownnow.Nobodyinthefamilytalkstooneanother.”“You’llbefine.Don’tworryaboutit.”Menare…menremainenviousofwomen,despitewhatwomenthink.Men…menwouldliketo…tobefemale…sometimes.Tounderstandthingsmore…tohaveaccess…tohavethefreedom…toaskthesequestionsthatwomensayeveryday:–“Whydidyouputthetowel…thewettowel…”“onthebathroomfloor?Youleftitthere!Whydidyoudothat?”–“Well,meandtheguysweretalkingaboutitoveraperiodofweeks…”“youknow,inthebunker…”“andwefiguredthatwasthebestplaceforit.”“Itwouldn’tworkinthekitchen.”Thequestionsthateverybodyasksnowarethequestionsthateverybodyhasalwaysaskedabouteachother.Youknow,youstillhearallthisstuff:“Whatdowomenwant?”Asthoughit’sreallymysterious.Asthoughit’sabigdeal.Allthatwomenwantiswhatanybodywants.Youknow,friendshipandcompanionshipandrespect…andacertainamountofleadershipwithsubmission…andakindofcooperationatalltimes…andpre-emptiveempathyandyouknow,…generaltelepathy.It’snobigdeal,isit?Andthenwhenthesamequestionsareaskedofmen.“Whatisitthatmenwant?”You’realwaystoldthatit’sreallyverysimple.Youknow,somethinglike“lingerie”…Nowhistoricallytherehasn’tbeenabigdemand…formalelingeriefromwomen.Becausethere’salimitedamountyoucandowithmalegenitalia.There’salimitedamountyoucandowithanything…thatlookslikeit’shangingoutofthesideofashark’smouth.And…itdoesn’treallymatterifyouputavelvetgownaroundit.It’snotgonnadothetrick.We’retoldthatthisiswhat…what…whatmenwant–lingerie…youknow…forwomentolooklikecakes.“It’snotenoughthatyouwanttobewithmeandloveme.”“YoumustfirstbeaFrenchfancy.”And…Nowwomendon’twantthat.Traditionallywomenhavebeenattractedtouniforms.Soit’snotdifficulttoknowwhatwomenwant.Fascists–that’sreallywhatthey’reallafter.SaywhatyoulikeaboutnaziGermanyTheyturnedheads.Everywherethosestormtrooperswent…“Checkhimoutbeforehekillsus!”Thathappenedalot.ButsometimesIthinkitpassesthroughthemindofheterosexualpeople…thatitmightbeeasiertobegay.’causeobviously…youknow…there’sapparently…less…errrrrr….responsibilitiesoutsideyourself.That’showitwouldappearsometimes.Andalso…youknow…ifyou’restraight…andyou’repissedofforstressedout…whatdoyoudoreally…youknow,youhaveanextrapieceofcakeoracoupleofdrinksyoushouldn’treallyhave.Ifyou’regayyoucangotoatoiletand*!%*astranger.Nowthat’s…thathasgottoworksomeofthekinksout,hasn’tit?Afterwardshemustthink:“Yeah,Icandealwithmyemailsnow.”Butbecauseofthatthenyougetstraightpeopledisparaginggayrelationships…andsaying:“Well,theycan’tbemeaningful,youknow,ifthey…youmetinalatrine.”Butmostheterosexualpeopleinthiscountryandaroundtheworld…meeteachotherandgettogetherwithoneanother…whenthey’retotally,totallydrunk.Smashed…outoftheirminds…theycouldnotspelltheirownface.Andtheygohomewiththatperson.Youmightspendmonthswiththatperson…orayear…oryoumighthaveafamily.Thisiswhathappens.Thisishowyoumeet.Butyouwouldn’tbuyatoasterwhenyou’redrunk.’causethat’stooimportant.It’sgottobecrispyinjusttherightway,hasn’tit?Ithinkthat’swhyyouseecouples…sittingwiththeirnewbabiesoutsidecafesandsoon…drinkingtea,lookingatoneanother,lookingtothepram,…lookingintothemiddledistanceandbacktooneanother…becausethey’rethinking:“Oh…wh…whatthe*!%*happened?!”“Ijustthoughtweweregonnahaveafewdrinks.Who’sthisguy?”Andloveisincredibly…er…mysteriousasyouknow.Andit’sstillthethingthattroublesmostpeopleforalotoftheirlives…untiltheyworkitout…andwhichyou…youmaydoeventually.Youheartheconversationsintherestaurants,theloversspeakingtooneanother.Anditneverreallychanges.Peoplecompetewithoneanotherasthey’retellingeachotherthattheyloveeachother.–“Iloveyou.”–“Iloveyou.”–“Yeah,butIreallyloveyou.ImeanIloveyou.”“Ilovepencilsyouhavesuckedandthrownawaytwentyyearsago.”“Iloveyoureyebrowsandyourancestryandeverythingaboutyou!”“Justeatyourfoodandletmeloveyou.Don’tspeak!”And…theydon’tknowofcourseatthetimethatthatdialogueisjust…fromaverybadsciencefictionfilmwrittenbynature.Reallywhatthey’resayingtooneanotheris:“Theracemustcontinue!Theracemustcontinue!”“Myvadudiumispointingatyourphenungulator.”“Theracemustcontinue!”Andiftheydon’thandleitproperlyyouseethemfortyyearslater,…thesamepeopleinthesamerestaurant,ifyouhavethetime…yougothereandyouseethemandtheycommunicateonadifferentwaynow…Inmiddleage…Insomeculturesit’scalled‘silence’.UnlessI’mmissingsomethingandthey’resayingalot…withtheforkhittingtheplate.Andiftheireyesdomeetthistimeit’snotintimacy,it’sembarrassment.Themanmakesthatnoiseashechompshischop…inhisthroat…akindofhorriblesound…this…”Hhhmmmnnnngggg..”SoundslikeaBalkancurse.And…thewomanhasherownnoiseofdisquiet.The“hhhhhhmmmmmm…”Asshe’sspearinghersalad.Likea…youknow…soundslikeadovehavingadump.Andthenthey…theygohometothebedthey’veshearedfor…sheared…whenyoushearabedit’sa…itsadifficultprocess.It…youknow,whenyougohomeyou’reabit…hadacoupleofdrinks…andthebed’sallwooly,andyouhaveto…andyouhavetogettheclippersout.“Herewegoagain.Don’tmove.”And…andwhenthey’veshearedthebedtheyshareit…andtheygetinwith…andtheyhaverealintimacy…whichtakesyearstoachieve,youknow…you’renotgonnagetitwithsomebodyyoudon’tknowverywell,…notthattherereallyissuchathingas‘casualsex’.Whatisthat?Whatisthatsupposedtobe?It’sneverreallycasual.Youalwayshavetoturnup…andthe…it’snevercasualunlessyou’rebothwearingSherlockHolmes’shatsorsomething…andyou’recoveredincrisps,oneofyouiseatinganomelette,…theotheroneisdoingacrossword.Thenit’skindofcasual.I’mtalkingaboutrealintimacy.Whenpeopledon’tmessaroundwithallthatmanipulatingthephrase“Iloveyou.”People…yougetthisallthetime:“Iloveyou.Iloveyou.IloveyouIloveyou…”“Bakemeacakeorgoaway.”Childrencanmasterthosethreewords.–“Whatdoyouwantforbreakfast,darling?”–“Iwantsugarfriedinhoney.”–“No!You’rehavingfruit,bread,wholesomethingslikethat.”–“Iloveyou,Daddy!”–“Iloveyoutoo…”“Sugaryousay?I’llberightback.”Imeanit’sjusthardtolikecertainfoods.Lookatthis.I’mtryingtoaddicttomyselftoit.Itdoesn’tworkforme…fruit.It’sjustGodshowingoff:“LookatallthecoloursIknow.”Horriblestuff!Youknow,whensomebodycomestoyourhousefordinnerortheweekendorsomething…andtheydon’tbringabottleofwineorsomechocolatesorbiscuitsorsomething…you%%$!aboutthatpersonwhentheyleavesaying:“Mean*!%%%$!**%*.Didn’tbringanything.”Youneverhearanybodysaying:“Theydidn’tbringanyfruit.”“Notasinglemelon.Wehadthemforthreeweeks.”“Ididn’tseeagrape.”Nobodylikesit.That’swhytheyputmirrorsarounditinsupermarkets.Youjustcatchsightofyourselfandyouthink:“Fuckit,I’mdying…Ibettereatsomeofthis.”Theydon’tdothatwiththeeclairs,dothey?Horrible!Youhaveone–confirmthatit’sawful.Ah,it’sgotstonesandthingsinit.Whatisthepoint?WhatwasIsaying?IhavenoideawhatIwassaying.WhatwasIsaying?Itdoesn’tmatter.Butum…yeah,youknow…ittakesagesaswell,itgoesonandonandon.Now!…the…the…the…the…um…theotherthing…youknow…Idon’tknow!Yes!Intimacy…andwhatisrealandwhatisnot.AndIsuppose…youknow…theconditionshavetoberightofcoursefor…for…for…forlovetohappen.Youknow…itismuchmoredifficulttobefemale,Igrantyouthat.Becausethebody’smorecomplicated.Youknow,ifyou’rebornawomanallthesethingshappentoyou.You’reababy,thenachild,thenagirl,thenagirl-womanandallthesethingsaregoingon.It’saconstantoperawithmaskskeepfallingtothefloorthroughoutyourlife.“WhoamI?Idon’tknow!WatchoutI’m! $%$!nuts.”And…Ifyou’reamale,youknow,you’reborn,youhaveafingerupyournose…andtheotherhandonyourdickandyougettaller.Andthatisreallyit.Andit’sfairlyamazing…tothinkofthe…the…theludicroustaboos…thatpersistamongstus,informed,intelligent,ablepeople.Justfrombiology.Foralltheseyears…itisstilladifficultthingtotalkaboutmenstruation…withawomanifyou’remale.Andyoufindthisoutasayoungman…veryquickly.’causeyou’retalkingtosomebodyandyou’resaying:“Listen…listen…Iagreewitheverythingyou’recarvingonthekitchentable.”“Ido.”“Ireally,reallydo.”“Butdoyouthinkit’spossibleyoumayfeelthisway…“perhapsbecauseofyourper…aaaggghhh!!!”Thatfirsthigh-kicktothethoraxgenerallydoesthetrick.Ifyouaddressthesubjectatallthereafter…it’salwaysinthemostfeebleway.Yougo:“Yes,yes,Iknow,haha,yes,…”“haveyouseentheMoon?”Youdon’t…Andwe’retoldandit’straditional…thatthingshavetobejustrightforawoman…forcertainexchanges…andactstohappenbetweenyou.Ifyoucareaboutsomebody…really,properlycare…ithastobejustright.Youknow…we’retoldthatmendon’tneedverymuch.Theyjust…youknow…theyjustappear.Allcircumstancesarefineforanysensitiveoccasion.Whereaswithwomenthingshavetoberight.Youknow,peoplearesaying“Iloveyou”allthetimetoreassureoneanother.“Iloveyou.Iloveyou.Iloveyou.”Inbedasthey’remakinglove.–“Iloveyou.Iloveyou.”–“Whyhaveyougothaminyourbed?”Thisiswhatwomensay.–“Why?”–“Idon’tknow.It’sthere.“Areyouhungry?Areyouhungry?You’renothungry?”“Youmightbehungrylater.Idon’tknow.Butit’sthere.I’mprepared.”And…–“Whatisthenoise?There’snoisedownstairs.”–“It’snothing.It’smyflatmate.”“Forgetit.Hewon’thearanything.”“I’lltellhimeverythinglateranyway.Don’tworryaboutit…”–“No,wemusthavemusic.”–“Alright!Christ!Iloveyou.Iloveyou.”“Now…there.”–“NotWagner!”“IfeellikeI’mbeinginvaded.”–“OhGod!What’sthepoint?”“You’rejustlyingthereanyway,you’vetakenallthelingerieoff.Thisistooeasy.”“Can’tyouhideunderthebedandsendupaflareorsomething.”“Thishastobeagameforme.”Allthesegames.Allthefear.Verydifficulttotellsomepeopleyoulovethem,ofcourse.Verydifficulttotellyourfatheryoulovehimifyou’reaman.–“Iloveyou,Dad.”–“Ohyeah…hmm…hmm…ohyeah…yeah…”“Youokformoney?”–“I’mverygoodformoney.IjustwanttotellyouthatIloveyou.”–“Oh…yeah…yeah.I’lltellyourmother.”Youknow,it’sadifficultthing.Sothesepeopletalkingintherestaurant…maybeaboutwhattheydon’treallyunderstand,willfindoutlater.Witheverythingthathappenstothem.Andwhentheygotobedatnightyearsandyearslatertheydoachieveakindofrealintimacy.Butyouhavetoknowsomebodyverywelltobeabletosay:“Ihatethewayyoubreathe.”“Whydoyoubreathelikethat?Itsoundslikeit’scomingthroughyour! $%$!forehead!”“Ihaven’tsleptin35years!”“Doyouhaveanyideahowfatyouactuallyare?Doyou?Doyouhaveany! $%$!idea?”“No,youdon’t,doyou?Becauseyourlittleface…”“…isanislandtrappedintheseaofflab!”“IwouldstabyoutodeathbutIcan’t…”“affordtotakethetwoweeksoffwork!”Nothingthatcan’tbesortedoutbyanicecupoftea.Butitisdifficult.Itisofcourse…thepeoplewho…who…wholoveyou,whoknowyou…whocanwoundyou.Thatistheterriblevulnerability.Thesepeopleknowhowyou…howyou…howyouwork.Youcantakeallkindsofabusefromstrangersorpeopleatworkor…peopleonthestreet.Itdoesn’tmatter.Youbrushitalloff.Butyoudon’thavetogetrageorobscenityfromsomebodywhoknowsyou.Theyjusthavetosaytherightthingattherighttime.“Yournosehair…”“whichisgrey…”“isinmyeye.”That’lldoit!We’reall…verywoundable.Weallwantacertaintreatment.Youwanttohearthingssaidinacertainway.Iheardaterriblestory…I…I…Ididn’teven…Ididn’tthinkthiskindofthinghappened.Butthishappened…Thisguyknowsaguy,ithappened…theguyIknow,knowsanotherguy…ithappenedtohim.And..I’m…verywellconnected.And…hetoldmethismanwasinbedwithhis…withhisperson…and…theyweremakinglove.Andsheactuallycalledoutthewrongname.Ididn’tthinkthatcouldhappen.Shecalledoutthewrongname.AndwhenIheardthatIthought:‘Howwouldyoueverrecoverfromsomethinglikethat?’You’dbedestroyed!ButthenIrealized,youknow,itwouldn’tevenhavetobethewrongname.Somebodycouldjustsayyournameinthewrongway.Becauseeverybodywantstohear:“Oh,John!”Butyoudon’twanttohear:“John!”Or:“John?”Buttheveryworst,youknow,patronizing,comfortingone:“Ohhoho,John.”Thesethingscanchangeyourlife!Ladiesandgentlemen,thatisallfromme.Thankyouverymuchforcoming.I’veenjoyedtalkingtoyou.Goodnight.Ok…youknow..quickly’cause…you’vegottogo.Hm?Listen,thethingis…youwillgettoacertainpointinyourlives.Yougetolder,youknow.Youmayhavereadaboutit.And…peopledon’tagewellinthiscountry.Lookatthem…Youseecontinentalpeople,tourists,theycomearound,…youknowthepeoplewhoarebicyclingaroundintheirredandyellowcagoules…pointingatcathedrals…Withspringywhitehair…andrimless,lenseless,glasslessspectacles.Havingawonderfultime…Livingonyoghurt,…goinghomeandhavingsex…eventhoughthey’reeighty-threehundredyearsold.Itdoesn’thappenlikethathere,inBritainandIreland.Youseepeopleaging.It’sallwrong.They’rewearingbrown.They’reatbusstops.Theybendover…holdingahalfatinofcatfoodinaplasticbag.Talkingabouttheweathertheyhaven’tseeninthelast15years.Mumblingrubbish…gettingclosertothegraves…sotheydon’thavethatfartojumpwhenitactuallyopensup.Denyingtheirvitality.That’snotthewayweshouldage.Youshouldbeasaliveascanuntilyou’retotallydead.Inallrespects.Ineverysphere.Itis…wait!Ithinkyousee…thisisapopularmovement.Itisofcoursedangerous.Youhavetotakeadvice.Youknow,youcan’tbegung-hoaboutit.Ifyou’regoingtomakelovetosomebodyandyou’revery,veryoldandthey’re…very,veryoldyouhavetobesensible.Itis…Ihatetousetheword‘lube’butIjusthave.Youhavetopretendyou’reswimmingtheChannel.It’s…lookyouchange,youall…yourbodychanges…it’satinderboxdownthere.Itwouldbeaterriblewaytobefoundthenextmorning–twocharredskeletonsstillsmoulderinginthewheel-barrowposition.Nobodywantstoberememberedlikethat.Youwanttoberememberedwithaffection…anddignity.Youmighthavetothinkaboutwhatyou’regoingtosay.Youmighthavetosaysomethingquitegood.Youprobablywon’t.You’llsaysomethingrubbishlike:“Doyouthinkthisisoff?”They’llbethelastwordsyou’lleversay.Orworse:“Heyeverybody,watchthis!”Butbeforeyoudo…it’sgreatifyoucanmeettheotherpersonyou’resupposedtosharethismysterywith.AndyouknowwhenthathappensIthink.Peopleknowwhenthathappenstothem…becauseyouoftenmeetthatpersonataparticulartimeinyourlife.Sometimeswhenyou’reyoungandpoor.Youknow,whenyou’relivinginaroom.You’rebothliveinrooms…whereyouhaveallyour%@@…’causeyou’repoor.Andit’slitbycandlelightandyouclimbthestairs…tothatperson’sroom.They’vebeentoyoursandnowyou’regoingtotheirs.It’sserious.And…you’restandingoppositethatpersonandthereisamoment…whereyourealizeyou’renotlookingatanexpressionof…fleetinglustorsomesortofpassingofthetime…youknow…inthesurroundingbefuddlement.Whereactually…youknoweachother…youknowyouwanttobetogether.Andyourealizeitandit’sanamazingmomentwhenyou…theotherperson’sactuallytakingtheirclothesoffinfrontofyou…smilingfromtheverymiddleofthemselvesatyou…saying:“Iwanttobewithyou.”Andyou’relookingatthemwiththeirbareshouldersallshimmeringinthis…roseatecandlelight.Andyourealizethisisthepersonforyou.Andthen…andthenthecagecomesdown!Andyourmotherjumpsfromthewardrobe!Withacigarillopointingoutofthecornerofhermouth…andyoukillherwithatrowel.Ladiesandgentlemen,thankyouforcoming.Goodnight.