埃菲尔铁塔：玩烂了的所谓浪漫

非常糟糕的一部电影，愚蠢而又无礼。|OdieHendersonFebruary8,2019|Whyisitsodamnhardtomakeasuccessfulromanticcomedy?Allyouneedistwolikablepeopletheaudiencewantstoseewalkoffintothesunsettogetherbyfade-out.Andyet,theclichésthatpoisonthisgenrearerepeatedadnauseum.Someexamples:there’sasenseofmaleentitlementthatcanoftenerronthesideofbeingastalker.Ortheplotthrowsinunnecessaryissuesdesignedtokeeptheloversapart.Or,andthisismyleastfavorite,thewomanclearlyshouldNOTbewiththishideouscreatureandyet,shefallsforhimanyway.Filmmakersalwaysovercomplicatewhatshouldbeasimplematterandtheresultsinkslikealeadsoufflé.I’mstartingtothinkthateveryrom-comissimplyaremakeoftheawfulonethatprecededit.Withthatsaid,“UndertheEiffelTower”feelslikedéjàvualloveragain.IwaswarywhenIreadthepressreleasesynopsis,fearingthatthecombinationofParisandasadsackmid-lifecrisisWhitedudewouldbearetreadof“GirlonaBicycle,”amovieIcalled“theworstromanticcomedyI’veeverseen”onthisverysite.Butthisrom-comhadsomethingthatexcitedme:itfeaturedseveralcastmembersfromtheaddictiveHBOcomedy“Veep.”MattWalshandReidScottstarasthemaleleadsinwhatlookedtobearomanticlovetriangleinvolvingacharmingFrenchwomanplayedbythefilm’sco-writerJudithGodrèche.Ilove“Veep”somyhopesweresuitablyraised.OdieHenderson,you’reafool.Thisisaverybadmoviethatmanagestobeasinsultingasitisstupid.Let’sstartwithWalsh’scharacter,Stuart.Stuartisaknowledgeablebourbonsalesmanwho,inthefilm’sopeningscene,isfiredfor“lackofpassion.”Perhapshisbossmeantlackofpassionforthejob,asStuartisshowntohaveanunquenchabledesirefortheproductheusedtoshill.AsStuartnarrates,weseehimdowningbottleafterbottleofKentuckywhiskyandlivinginahousethat,toquotemymother,probably“smellslikefootandass.”WededucethatStuarthasamid-lifecrisis!Thegodsofbadcinematellusthatthecureisamuchyoungerwoman.Enterthatmuchyoungerwoman.Rosalind(DylanGelula)isthedaughterofStuart’smarriedpalsFrank(DavidWain)andTillie(MichaelaWatkins).SheseesStuartasthecoolunclesheneverhad,andheseesherastheniecewhoconfidesinhim.Rosalind’sparentsdecidetopullStuartoutofhisfunkbyinvitinghimtojointhemonanexcursionthroughFrance.WhenFrankandTilliegettooembarrassinglyparental,RosalindjokinglyinvitesStuarttorunoffwithherinstead.She’simplyinga“LordoftheRings”stylequest.Stuart’sthoughtsleanmoretoward“BlameitonRio.”Andso,inthetitularlocation,Stuartsuddenlypullsoutaseven-thousanddollarengagementringandproposesmarriagetohis“niece.”Rosalindissuitablydisgusted—he’solderthanherfather!DadandMomarealsorepulsedandtellStuarttotakeahike.CuttoStuartbawlingintheairportonhiswaybackhome.It’stherewherewemeetthepersonStuartwasactuallytalkingtoinhisnarration,injuredsoccerplayerLiam(ReidScott).LiamlookslikearomanticleadingmansentC.O.D.fromCentralCasting.He’sfit,gotawinningsmileandisadornedwithasexysalt-and-pepperbeardthatlooksgroomedbyAphroditeherself.Theguylooksprettydamnhot.Andthenheopenedhismouthandthespellevaporated.“WhatacrappyfakeIrishaccentthisdudehas!”Iyelledatthescreen.Iwassorelymistaken;thecrappyfakeaccentissupposedtobeScottish.Themovie’s15minutesoldandalreadywe’retrappedwithanincreasinglyunlikeablewussofaprotagonistandaguywhosoundslikeSeanConneryauditioningforWarwickDavisx27;roleinthehorrorfilm“Leprechaun.”Sincethesetwoaren’tgoingtodoeachother(thoughLiamdoesbroachthesubjectandI’mnotsosurehewascompletelykidding),weneedalady.“UndertheEiffelTower”bringsusGodrèche’sLouise,whosharesLiamandStuart’straincarwhileenjoyingalargebottleofwine.Theduoendearthemselvestoherbyfirstassumingshedoesn’tspeakEnglishandsexuallyharassingher.Whentheyfindoutshe’sbilingual,Stuartcontinueshisrapiddescentintodouchebagterritorybyinsultinghertasteinbooze.ThisisaMeetCutefolks!Louisegetsoffthetrainseveralstopsbeforetheguysweregoingto,andtheyfollowher.Sheinvitesthementoadinnerneitherofthemcanpayfor,soStuartuseshisengagementringascollateralattherestaurant.Louisehasthegoodsensetoleaveherdinnerguestsandreturnhome,buthergoodsenselastsaboutaslongasthisfilm’sgoodwill.Throughthefirstofmanyabsurdlyconvenientplottwistsanddetails—thisfilmisonedeusexmachinaafteranother—LiamandStuartrunintoLouiseagain.Soon,bothmenarevyingfor(andsampling)heraffectionswhilestayingatherchateau,whichisalsooccupiedbyamysteriousthirdmaninawheelchair,Gerard(GaryCole).You’llbeabletofigureouthowGerardfiguresinLouise’slifelongbeforeLiamandStuartdo.Ihadlessofaproblemwiththatdevelopmentthantheway“UndertheEiffelTower”turnsGerardintoanoffensivelyneutereddoormat.Isupposehiswheelchairstatusisexcuseenoughforhimtobecuckolded(andbehappyaboutit,noless,becauseaccordingtothisfilm,thosefolkscan’tbesexual).Butyouhavetoaskyourselfwhyyou’dbeexpectedtorootfortheguydoingthistohiminaromanticcomedy.Hadthismoviebeenmadein4DXBourbon-Vision,Iwouldhaveenjoyedbeingsquirtedinthefacewithboozewheneveraclichéwasemployed.Sadly,Bourbon-Visiondoesn’texist,sothere’snoreasonforyoutosee“UndertheEiffelTower”unlessyouenjoybeingtorturedfor87minutes.此影评的译文可以登录火星译客网站查看，如有翻译不准确之处，望请指出，谢谢！译员：Thibault校对：卖女孩的小火柴